I Am Making Slow Progress

It's not so much a revelation as it is a slow acceptance to my root cause core problem. While I use "social anxiety" as a catch-all and convenient excuse, my real problem is... well, I mean it's probably anticlimactic and many people (some here) will quickly say they already knew this and have already pointed it out to me. But, it kind of clicked for me as I was pondering my situation, my sadness, and my interaction failures while walking with the hot sun as my only friend today.

Perhaps it was the exhaustion that came with the heat, the blinding light, or simply what I guess everyone already suspected about me. Quite simply, I fear rejection. Even more, I have an [u]unnatural[/u] fear of rejection. I can remember a time before I knew about such a fear; when I did not even consider I could be rejected. And, when it happened, it burned; it hurt; it dis-empowered me. And, I hid it. In doing so, I also hid myself. I protected myself by insulating myself. I personalized the rejection: it must be the way I behave; it must be because I am repulsive in some way; it's probably because I am not good enough or smart enough, or because people find me ugly. Maybe they suspect things about me and don't want to associate with me. The hurt was tremendous and I have carried it with me and today, that fear forms the basis of my behaviour.

The hot sun revealed this idea: I need to confront the fear to vanquish it. I don't really want to do this, but I feel like it's the only solution to just end this misery I feel. The thing is, logically, I know I can survive rejection. Not everyone is going to like me for any number of reasons and it could very well be because they think I am ugly, or they think I am too quiet, if they are gay, they may think it's because I am straight, if they are straight, it may be because they think I am gay or they may mistake my shyness for being arrogant and stand-offish, they may think I am weird, that I lack a personality, and so on. Trust me, the list of possibilities I consider daily is long.

It just seems like it is time to confront the fear. I do want to interact with people and to do that it's necessary to be liked on some level by at least some people. At the same time, if someone wants to reject me, I need to embrace that rejection rather than fear it. Not everyone will like me and the reason anyone might reject me does not really matter (anymore). Maybe they don't like my hair, maybe they don't like the fact I usually wear a colour combination of only grey and black at the gym. Maybe some people really do think I am ugly. I decided it just doesn't matter; it can't matter anymore because if it does I let fear keep the keys to continue to drive my life. I want the keys back.

So, I am going to end one form of agony (living in fear of possible rejection and hiding) and trade it in for another form (pursuing interaction that [i]could[/i] result in rejection). If this was a TV show with a nice 30 minute arc of identification of human interest problem, hilarious hijinks, a revelation moment, and neatly bundled resolution before the closing credits, right about now, there would be some mood-appropriate music playing and perhaps some still shots of me interacting with people and finding out I'm not as socially awkward as I claim and think. But, in real-life I know the rejection that will come because people [u]really[/u] don't seem to want to [u]really[/u] know me. That won't change, so, no doubt I will be rejected by some, but so what? Waiting for people to come to me is not working. I have given that approach a noble try with not much to show for it. I just do not seem to have that kind of connection-pull. If the challenge is, I need to initiate the connecting; I now accept the challenge. I am scared to death which seems pathetic all in and of itself. But, I am also scared to death of being here in this same spot a month or two from now, typing out self-proclaimed heartfelt sadness with nothing more than the satisfaction I get from stringing together some words that enter my mind along with a collection of comments I receive from random strangers who either feel pity for me in the moment or somehow relate to my tragic existence (no offense intended; I truly value the comments).

I am going to do this. I am going to initiate conversations with people. I won't be a jerk about it, but I am sure I will start and stop several times. I am certain as I start assertively, I will quickly reverse course in an awkward abortive manner and turn the other way, only to circle back again to reach the other person at a self-perceived and calculated "just the right" moment. More than likely I will regret having posted this, only because it will be that much harder to pretend I never intended to have this goal in the first place. Hopefully though, with it posted, I won't be able to back out of this commitment so easily. It's a primitive step; for someone with my life experience it's a humiliating step to have to admit I need to take. But, the sad truth is, it's where I am in my personal social development. And, I need to move on from here... and I intend to.