I need to shower and gtfo of here

And then plan my route for Monday, I've been so nervous.... I'm completely scared. I can't stop dreaming about it, and I feel like my life will actually have less than the no meaning it already has if it goes poorly. I just would probably wither away, I can't "die" because I'm not actually a living being. I'm just so freaked out.... Why do I have to do this why couldn't I have just stopped it long ago..... Why did I try to believe in me? To change my twisted fate.
Only to arrive back at deaths gate...

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TwiddlerofThumbs · F

Believing in yourself is never a bad thing. you're going to be ok even if things don't go as you want them to. There are other things in life, other opportunities. One's you've not yet met.
Try to picture yourself being successful at whatever this is. Close your eyes and picture it the way you want to see it, not the way your fears are blending the canvas.

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TwiddlerofThumbs · F

@TragicPersona: Believing in yourself is good. Maybe it was a way you went about it. Maybe what you lost was what was hindering you but you loved. I can't even pretend to know. But I do know that when a person begins to change their ways, people and situations may not agree with the changes. Taking all the blame for others choices is not ever healthy and is, in a way, arrogance ~smiles~ Don't put it all on you. Even when others try to make it all you. It is not.
Life will continue to change, more good will come as will more bad. Don't put it all on your shoulders.

TragicPersona · F

It's hard when the people who have "loved" me my entire life blame me for it all. And it is me of could've been normal or just killed myself.... I would be fine.... they would be fine

TwiddlerofThumbs · F

Maybe these people need time too. Change is hard for everyone.

I don't know what you mean by normal and killing yourself would only lead to more tragedy in their lives. They would not be fine. Even the nastiest self righteous bitches end up in years of therapy after a love one kills themselves. That is a terrible ending and a horrific new beginning for those who are left behind.

Whatever this is, it will be ok. It will be hard, scary and maybe even make you sick with fear. But if you know it is a good thing, keep t it. That is the only way you will ever find what you need and what will benefit you. This is living life.

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