Do you know who you are?

And as for the Awareness, since you assisted with surgery, you probability know that a neuromuscular paralytic makes up the "triad of anesthesia," also involves the anesthesia, and an analgesic. In my case, the anesthesia machine stopped mixing gasses, and I just got air. The analgesic also wore off, and I felf everything, I heard everything too, but couldn't move or speak due to the tube in my throat, which oddly enough, was the worst part about the whole thing. I had flashbacks the whole time I was awake, and very shortly after that fateful surgery, I began suffering severe sleep deprivation because the damn flashbacks chased me into my dreams, so I stopped being ablef to get into REM, AKA-Rapid Eye Movement AKA-dream sleep.(I now sleep better, of not normally, now I dream about other things most of the time. Every now and then I'll have a nightmare-flashback though). I mentally blocked out most of that year, the next year, and a few months of the following year. Then, one day while waiting on some friends at the local social security office, I saw a woman with a book I was mildly interested in reading. We started talking about the book. Then, after she saw me limping, she asked what was wrong. I told her about THAT surgery and how I was now due to have a third operation on the knee (it was an arthroscopic surgery on my left knee), which was fairly major. She shocked the crap out of me when she told me she'd been through FIVE Awarenesses!! I was horrified that it could happen again and again, and it shocked me out of feeling sorry for myself. Plus, she challenged me, and I'm not one for backing out of a challenge. I rather enjoy them!! But, she challenged me to learn as much as I could about Awareness, to educate the general public, to NEVER EVER shut up about what happened to me, and to speak about it with others as often as I could. At first it was very, very hard. I had to force myself to, but with each telling, it's been easier. I wish I could thank her, she was very wise to challenge me. :-)

And, I had a bit of a strange blessing...that's how I see it now, but before my Awareness happened, about 6 weeks before, I saw the movie "Awake", which involved Anesthesia Awareness as a plot device, and it scared the shit out of me. At the begining of the movie though, there were a few statistics about Awareness listed, such as; it happens to 1: 100,000 surgeries. Now you see why I say finding another survivor is like searching that damn haystack? LOL! So a few seconds after I woke on the table, I at least had a name, if nothing else. Most survivors don't even have that much knowledge, it's a complete shock when it happens. I've met a dozen Awareness survivors in the nearly 8 years I've been searching, three face to face, the others through the internet. This November 8th with be ten years since I woke during surgery.

It was sheer hell. Even now when I think about it, that while period of time, I wonder just how the hell it was I survived? If I were to go through all that stuff again, I don't know that I could survive it again. Maybe I'm stronger than I know? To me, I'm just me, the flawed, but hopefully humble, and perhaps even gaining in wisdom from all of it? I think with every tough situation you face, there is a greater upswing in life waiting. Maybe that's my inborn optimism, but I really think its true. For all the crap life has thrown my way, I have to say, I'm very blessed. Lucky, no. Blessed, oh yes. I dunno what religion you are, (I'm Buddhist), but I once saw this, and it made me laugh! "If God never gives us anything we can't handle, then God must think I'm badass!!"

You know what else? After I began to really understand myself, I began to see life could still be good, come what may, I really hope you find that for yourself, that you learn who you are, what makes you YOU. It is a very nice feeling to finally be comfortable in my body. It's been a hard journey to get to this level of contenment, but worth it ultimately because of the lessons learned, and how it's helped me to better help others when they need my help. :-) as I said, feel free to inbox me, I don't have all the answers, but I listen ( and read, LOL) well, and I'm good for bouncing ideas off of. :-)

Yes indeed!!