I Will Vent Here
Thoughts? I ponder the word. The question. What are the lay of my thoughts? Such a difficult task to articulate my thoughts; so many events, fantasies, projections… the list can go on forever. All of which come to me simultaneously whence that word pricks my ears. A mental explosion, leaving me nothing to spit out but a face of confusion as I tussle with the question
I want to type, I want to record this. All of it. What I am thinking. But how to start with all of this? I have absolutely no idea where to begin this story. I am nobody; a young man, barely out of his adolescent years, struggling to comprehend the meaning of his life. Struggling to find a means to live.
Perhaps it’s love? The cursed emotion. Something I used to believe in. But what is it, really? I’ve no clue. I could say I love my family; but that feels like a bond of blood, nothing more. Sure, I do as I am bid, I try to care for them when I can but, is that love? Not to me. Love, to me, is where I can willingly do anything to the benefit of the person who is subject to it. Without a doubt. And sure, there are people I’m prepared to a lot for… but I will always have a doubt. Ever since she left.
Her departure opened my eyes. A woman I claimed to have loved, for almost five years. For that duration I clung to her, and drove us both crazy when a departure was imminent. I knew, from the get-go we were destined to part.. but “love” as I knew it back then was to defy this destiny. I put her under a lot of stress – hiding this cursed relationship from her parents and threatening self-harm and death when she talked about letting go before it hurt too much. And when the day eventually came… I realised this woman was not the woman I loved. I had shared so much with her, but her departure almost felt like a relief rather than a tragedy. Nonetheless, I was driven to depression – standing upon the edge of a rooftop wondering I should let the wind take me, ignoring her last minute closure calls. Ignoring everything. For hours I stayed upon that rooftop.
What was I depressed about? I just lost my girlfriend – with whom I acted against my morals, my ideals, because I believed foolishly that the future would see us together and therefore offences could be forgiven. I had broken free of my own delusion; and saw the raw truth about our relationship, the lies I constructed in my head, the bliss I conjured with the manipulation of a twisted mind. The horror of such truth, that was what really hit the silver stake through the heart of this blood-sucking vampire. I had toyed with this poor girl’s life for five years, and failed to even realise it, atone for it. I knew, she loved me for that time. From the bottom of her heart. But… I began to realise I didn’t. It wasn’t fair. Not fair at all. And I didn’t see myself truly loving her the way she loved me in the future, either. I had a taste of what love was, thanks to her. But I don’t think I could ever love anyone the way she loved me. Ever.
I want to type, I want to record this. All of it. What I am thinking. But how to start with all of this? I have absolutely no idea where to begin this story. I am nobody; a young man, barely out of his adolescent years, struggling to comprehend the meaning of his life. Struggling to find a means to live.
Perhaps it’s love? The cursed emotion. Something I used to believe in. But what is it, really? I’ve no clue. I could say I love my family; but that feels like a bond of blood, nothing more. Sure, I do as I am bid, I try to care for them when I can but, is that love? Not to me. Love, to me, is where I can willingly do anything to the benefit of the person who is subject to it. Without a doubt. And sure, there are people I’m prepared to a lot for… but I will always have a doubt. Ever since she left.
Her departure opened my eyes. A woman I claimed to have loved, for almost five years. For that duration I clung to her, and drove us both crazy when a departure was imminent. I knew, from the get-go we were destined to part.. but “love” as I knew it back then was to defy this destiny. I put her under a lot of stress – hiding this cursed relationship from her parents and threatening self-harm and death when she talked about letting go before it hurt too much. And when the day eventually came… I realised this woman was not the woman I loved. I had shared so much with her, but her departure almost felt like a relief rather than a tragedy. Nonetheless, I was driven to depression – standing upon the edge of a rooftop wondering I should let the wind take me, ignoring her last minute closure calls. Ignoring everything. For hours I stayed upon that rooftop.
What was I depressed about? I just lost my girlfriend – with whom I acted against my morals, my ideals, because I believed foolishly that the future would see us together and therefore offences could be forgiven. I had broken free of my own delusion; and saw the raw truth about our relationship, the lies I constructed in my head, the bliss I conjured with the manipulation of a twisted mind. The horror of such truth, that was what really hit the silver stake through the heart of this blood-sucking vampire. I had toyed with this poor girl’s life for five years, and failed to even realise it, atone for it. I knew, she loved me for that time. From the bottom of her heart. But… I began to realise I didn’t. It wasn’t fair. Not fair at all. And I didn’t see myself truly loving her the way she loved me in the future, either. I had a taste of what love was, thanks to her. But I don’t think I could ever love anyone the way she loved me. Ever.
