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I Hate Missing People

They don't know it, but it scares the hell out of me when they have these episodes of depression and they become more numb than usual and start isolating themselves. I don't want them to know how worried I get and think they are bringing me down with them. I'd rather know than not. And I don't want to overly annoy them and pissed them off with my questions about it, asking if they're okay. I don't realize I'm pushing buttons until after the fact. Of course I would like to know all the details but, then again, they don't need to explain anything to me. But whatever happened, whatever broke them or made them like this or whatever wrongs they've done, I wouldn't hold it against them.

I love them dearly, I always miss them and it would kill me if anything bad happen to them. I feel so bad. They probably think it's stupid and pointless of me but to think so, but they mean the world to me. To think they are such a wonderful person worth anyone's energy. They are at least worth mine, even if they were the most useless thing to walk this earth. I wish they'd trust me when I say there's something on their back they can't see. I know I can't fix them, I'd never expected that. But if I could do the smallest thing to help them not feel so terrible, even if only for the briefest moments, then at least I could be somewhat of useful to them. And at least I get some use out of my loss of the things I liked about myself: my failure to contain the "stronger" feelings them, be content with loneliness, and other things I hate about myself.

But I can't do anything. I'm useless and a hypocrite. I don't know why they still talk to me. They probably think I'm selfish, greedy, moronic, and in over my head for wishing they'd tell me more then they have, for not wanting to be alone, for wanting to be worth something to them, for hoping they get better, for wanting to help them, for missing them, for the strong feelings if they knew. And they're probably right. Because what the fuck can I really do? I'm just an online friend. Friends never mean as much as lovers. Hopefully their girlfriend has better luck. Regardless of their challenges, she's so lucky to have them, even though they think she's certainly not. Anyone'd be lucky, I'd certainly consider myself to be if I'd ever had the chance. And god knows that I wish I had a chance.

 
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