This post may contain Mildly Adult content.
Only logged in members can reply and interact with the post.
Join Similar Worlds today 禄

Sometimes I wonder what some people see in their abusive partners or friends.

Do they gain more than they lose? Do they think that if not them it would be someone else and they can take it better than the others?
I genuinely wonder..you're not even family, you're not tied in any way...why do you do this to yourself?
I don't talk about hardcore abuse where the person is actually scared to leave because of threats and risk of physical violence..I mean a partner or a friend of a general asshole treating most people like trash, constantly trying to put others down for fun and taking pride in being an asshole. 馃
GaiiaF
They place the abusive partner on a pedestal. Among the abusive traits, usually they have other traits that makes them charismatic and atractive. Manipulation.

Other causes:
They love that person despite everything.

Low self steem.

Emotional or sexual codependence.

Fear of loneliness.

Thinking that they could save their partner and make them a better person for the power of "love" .
[@536386,Gaiia] Perfect list.

I sometimes wonder if they are that different from that partner actually. Maybe they're two sharks biting their tails and if they're equal partners, then maybe..it could work? 馃 But I imagine there's always one bigger and one smaller shark and the smaller one doesn't realize he or she is smaller.
GaiiaF
[@472983,CrazyMusicLover] yes some may be similar, but usually one is the abuser and other is abused, it's more difficult for them to function if both are abusers but yes could happen.
In the end.. They need each other but one tends to be more dominant than the other, that ends up needing that kind of abusive control, that kind of mental and emotional abusive control...
KaliKaliF
You get used to being mistreated and it feels normal.
SW User
Sometimes people don't realise how bad the situation is until it's too late. An abusive partner may even seem "better" in some way, at least at first, than the family of origin.
pattycakechamp26-30, F
It falls under various categories, but in general an abusive partner/family member slowly builds a dependence, usually by showing kindness at the start. By the time they've become "addictive" it's too late and often requires outside help.
[@1195228,pattycakechamp] It makes sense. The lovey-dovey would probably make up for the flaws. 馃 Or trying to toughen up and show how impervious they are to verbal insults.
Forgetmeknot41-45, C
I was reading about this earlier. It's to do with dopamine and oxytocin receptors.
Forgetmeknot41-45, C
[@472983,CrazyMusicLover] I'm actually ending a toxic relationship with an antisocial personality type person now. I feels like trying to give up a drug. I gave up drugs when I was late teens and it does feel the same.

I did know what he was when I got together with him because I'd known him a long time. I was in a very low place in my life. Ordinarily I wouldn't have got into a relationship with him but I was low and in a way he did pull me out of a big slump. Also my parents are toxic type of people so being around him was comforting to me. I broke all contact with my family a couple of years ago and they caused me alot of upset over that which is why I was low.

I was with the guy for roughly a year. In the last couple of weeks I realised if I want this kind of drama and headache I can just talk to my family again. I'd also largely resolved the losses they caused when I decided to break contact with them so was feeling more emotionally strong.

I would say I have the capability in me to love someone regardless of knowing they are abusive because of my upbringing. However the stress and turmoil being with an abusive or pathological person is very great.

As I said it is like giving up a drug. Cravings every moment at the moment but like a drug craving I know it will get better over time. When I read the dopamine and oxytocin bits it helped because I understood the cravings, I know they are chemically based and not mysterious or magical love - which it is easy to believe it's love when you are addicted to a pathological person.

I am using benzodiazapines to help me when it gets particularly difficult to resist the cravings but very sparingly because obviously they are addictive too.

You can't just leave people like this. They will make reprisals in whatever way they can. You have to protect yourself. With this guy in the last week, since I woke up and thought wtf am I doing, I made sure he thought he broke me and that I was completely at his will which is the only reason I've had a few quiet days. He thinks I will crawl back to him. When I tried to end it before he knew I wasn't at his will so he manipulated his way back. They are incredibly cleaver at it. You haven't even agreed to anything and you're back with them...which is why no contact is necessary. No contact is also incredibly difficult for a victim to manage due to the chemical addiction to a person like this.

The best result is that they discard you and move on. I kept trying to facilitate that but it didn't work because until they think they have broken you and you can't live without them there is no pay off for them in discarding you.

Yesterday I had a woman call for him and one of his family members asking me to go and get him. He was playing dead. I was unaware of that till the family member called me. After that the woman let me know she'd spoken to him which is part of the game of torment they use to draw you back.. some people would feel jealous or hurt that they contacted this other woman but not them. I just text his family member (who he had possibly asked to call me) and said he is alive, somebody spoke to him...Incase they were genuinely worried and not a pawn being told to say he hasn't been heard from and probably hasn't eaten or drunk.


Knowing this type of person as I do because of my parents I logically know they look after themselves. He will have eaten and drunk, gone out, probably spoke to people - generally got on with his life whilst bad mouthing me no doubt. So I knew it was all a game to draw me back. I played it because it infers brokenness and all the time he thinks I'm at his mercy he'll leave me suffering. If he gets a sniff at me not suffering due the "loss" of him then he's more likely to make moves towards drawing me in to abuse me more which due to the chemical addiction I need to avoid for as long as possible until I am stronger.

I think the people that stay with abusive people for great lengths of time have most likely had abusive parents, they find the torment familiar and sort of comforting, they don't know what it is to live without it and are too scared to find out and haven't had therapy or help for their past. They may feel love but that isn't why they stay, I would guess, because we are hard wired to have a mate.
[@1205370,Forgetmeknot] That sounds truly terrible. I wish you the best and full recovery. I can imagine that if you grow up in an abusive environment it's hard to find normal love because even people who have grown up in a normal family environment might be wary of those who were not lucky enough to get enough love while growing up. It is complicated. Some truly need help, then some are broken beyond repair or have never been okay in the first place. And how does one distinguish who do we deal with? I can't comment on the addiction as I have never experienced that, at least not from the romantic aspect but I do understand why someone falls for sob stories over and over again. I've been thinking about the power of pity and how easily that emotion can be misused for so long that now I actually need to be careful about not to be callous on the outside and shutting my door in front of someone who truly needs help.
Forgetmeknot41-45, C
[@472983,CrazyMusicLover] they do not just prey using pity. They use your own hopes and dreams against you and lure you in with false promises and they are so good at it you fall for it over and over again especially if you don't keep count of how many times you heard the same thing.
Helloeveryone56-60, F
Sounds like a busy person
This message was deleted by its author.
KaliKaliF
[@44863,Elessar] [quote]Because at first "it's cool" to them. Some people really never grow out of their teenage, that's just why imo[/quote]

Rarely do comments on here actually make angry, but this is an exception.
SwampFlower26-30, F
[@401815,KaliKali] you can just tell he never had a parent that broke his spirit. I mean I am glad for that but this over simplified explanation is super damaging.
Elessar26-30, M
[@401815,KaliKali] I'm not denying some/many people get lured in abusive situations without realising, or grew in a context in which they were normalized to the point of not recognizing them, I wasn't actually even thinking about this specific population, at least not right after reading the main post.

But yeah, reconsidering everything and rereading it, it was indeed shitty and oversimplified. Sorry.

 
Post Comment
 
230 people following
Society
Personal Stories, Advice, and Support
New Post
Associated Groups Category Members