I Am Not Who They Think I Am

So You Think I Am Sober?... Have been going to NA since I was 16 years old. Have known that I have had a problem since then. And if anyone were to ask me I am up front with my problem, and will admit I am an addict from the word GO. Unfortunately in my area, all the dealers like to prey on the weak at the meetings in my area. As in, there is more dope in a meeting smoke break, than from your usual dealer. Sad, but true. I had 16 days....but saddly have fallen prey again. Actually allowed my self to be caught up in the **** again. F$(^%!!!!! Hate this cycle. Living it for 17 years and now, still counting.

Playing Pretend. Again and Again. What is really the point.? It saddens me that I have no one to confide in. No one to say....I cant stop. No one to reach out to and say "Please hit the brakes on this roller coaster!"
Its just me. Alone. What else is new. I am to afraid to dissapoint my friends and family by telling them that I havent made them all proud by beating this thing. Telling them that I am weak and not as strong as they are so proud to tell others. That I too, break under the pressure of just myself. That I am hard to battle everyday....in my mind....alone.
If they only knew, or could experience for one momeny, half of what I live everyday. They would crumble. That is the only satisfaction that I now am able to grasp on too. So sad.
Such is my life.