My biggest trigger
Is seeing people I love and care about switch from sober to tipsy/drunk..
Hearing their speech change, sluring of words, overly excited about random stuff or easily angered, seeing their face change, their eyes.
It all takes me back to my childhood, when that came with a bitter taste of either not feeling safe myself or being scared for others. It takes me back to seeing my mom collapse, her going to the hospital for an accidental overdose, hearing the bottles break after being thrown out the window - running to pick up the "I love you" bear that was soaked in baileys. Hiding under my bed with the window open, so it would look like I snuck out. Locking my door so my ex stepdad wouldn't come argue with me. Begging for the music to stop, sneaking out in the hallway to turn off the switch on electricity box thingy, so that the power would go out, hoping that would give me peace enough to go sleep. Sneaking out in the middle of the night, meeting my “best friend” because he was the only one able to do whatever he wanted, just to walk around the block and wait for the sun to come up, hoping that they would be asleep when I returned. Not being able to sleep cause I was constantly checking my moms pulse to make sure she was still breathing. Knowing that the best time to ask for something was after a bottle of red wine. Sitting in front of the couch yelling for my mom to wake up, while he stood in the doorway laughing at me, telling me she didn’t care - after he threatened to rape me - then running into my room, locking the door before sneaking out. The smell of alcohol, the red stained lips, the one eye barely open while saying “I’m awake”.
Every time, someone I love turns that switch, I’m back there, feeling powerless, scared, angry, until I start dissociating.. It doesn’t matter if I feel safe with that person, the feeling is still there, It’s not going away.
Hearing their speech change, sluring of words, overly excited about random stuff or easily angered, seeing their face change, their eyes.
It all takes me back to my childhood, when that came with a bitter taste of either not feeling safe myself or being scared for others. It takes me back to seeing my mom collapse, her going to the hospital for an accidental overdose, hearing the bottles break after being thrown out the window - running to pick up the "I love you" bear that was soaked in baileys. Hiding under my bed with the window open, so it would look like I snuck out. Locking my door so my ex stepdad wouldn't come argue with me. Begging for the music to stop, sneaking out in the hallway to turn off the switch on electricity box thingy, so that the power would go out, hoping that would give me peace enough to go sleep. Sneaking out in the middle of the night, meeting my “best friend” because he was the only one able to do whatever he wanted, just to walk around the block and wait for the sun to come up, hoping that they would be asleep when I returned. Not being able to sleep cause I was constantly checking my moms pulse to make sure she was still breathing. Knowing that the best time to ask for something was after a bottle of red wine. Sitting in front of the couch yelling for my mom to wake up, while he stood in the doorway laughing at me, telling me she didn’t care - after he threatened to rape me - then running into my room, locking the door before sneaking out. The smell of alcohol, the red stained lips, the one eye barely open while saying “I’m awake”.
Every time, someone I love turns that switch, I’m back there, feeling powerless, scared, angry, until I start dissociating.. It doesn’t matter if I feel safe with that person, the feeling is still there, It’s not going away.
