I Keep Too Many Things to Myself

There are people in my life I wish I could tell all the things I feel about them, about myself and about life. Instead of doing so I just keep everything inside - keep the world unaffected and grey, causing no upset or offense.

What I want, is to tell some people that I hate them for the decisions that they have made. To let them know that I want them to feel pain or loss (perhaps more specifically, emptiness) equal to what they have left behind. I want to say this, to prove that I had a reaction to what happened around me; that I was an existing part of this world.

I want to tell someone that I love them. That they are something special to me, something to be admired. Not only to to prove that I have value enough to hold something dear, but that I hold their existence in my life to be valuable. This too, proves that I exist - and that I am happy to be as I am; and that they had a tangible place in my life.

I want to own my future, be that one in which I find success or failure. If it is mine, I want to reach for it. If I achieve anything or lose even more, it is the worth I have.

I want the freedom to exist. I want the freedom to be able to feel. And I want the freedom to be able to fall apart, and to try and stand up again.

But as I am, I keep these thoughts inside - unexpressed, as if non-existent...