Why I am feeling extremely insecure in my marriage with my wife?
I (29M) have been with my wife (29F) for around 8 years, married for 5 in March. For reference we have 2 kids, one together and one is mine from a previous relationship. For the entirety of our relationship I’ve always been confident she was the person for me and never doubted her and I am confident she has felt the same about me. I knew this was true because I never felt this way about anyone before her. However, my entire mindset changed last July. My wife started a new job at a salon in July and the vibe of the salon immediately made me start feeling extremely insecure in our relationship. The owner is always posting on their Instagram of her and the women that work there going out for drinks or to the bar sometimes. They had a grand opening party at their new location the month my wife started there and right when I walked in I just felt out of place with everyone there and had a terrible feeling in my gut about the place. There was a DJ, everyone was drinking, a lot of them including the owner were drunk. She changed her ward drobe up once she started working there and has obviously made friends with the people there. For reference most of them are married and have kids as well. My wife and I have always been on the same page in our relationship. We never really were the type of people to go out to bars or clubs or anything, we will drink on the weekends some with family and stuff like that, but that’s mostly the extent of it. I’ve always been happy with our relationship and loved that we have always been each other’s most important person and best friends.
This salon is the type of place that has brunches together for holidays and things like that and special events at the salon and they have planned a trip to Nashville for some hair event at the end of February that I know will also include everyone going out to the bar or similar places after the hair event.
I know in my head that working here is good for my wife, it’s really furthering her career, she loves working there and it’s giving her opportunities that she’s never had before. The issue is that no matter how hard I try, I cannot be happy for her. I am constantly panicking about her working there and going to things like this Nashville trip and going out and drinking with these people who I don’t know and don’t fit in with. I’m so terrified that it’s just leading us in different directions and that my wife is going to be different because of her working here and these new people and will be doing new things that she didn’t use to do.
She also went on a bachelorette trip to Austin in September and I had a crisis over her being gone and being on a trip that was pretty much entirely devoted to going to bars/drinking/partying. I literally did not know what to do with myself, I was in a state of heavy depression while she was gone and freaked out on her about it while she was there. It’s not like she’s going out every weekend or night. She’s only been to a handful of things like this since she started working there. I just cannot shake the feeling of betrayal and absolute panic when I think of her going to Nashville while I’m at home with our kids. I never imagined I’d be in this situation with my wife, I never really thought she’d want to do things like this, but now she does that she works here and it feels like our relationship is just a completely different dynamic.
I don’t know how to cope with this and it’s driving a wedge in our relationship because I keep bringing it up to her and expressing to her how I feel. She says that it’s all in my head because she is the same person and she hasn’t changed, which isn’t wrong, but in my mind I just do not like the idea of my wife going out to things like this without me. I’ve never felt this way before with her other few friends she’s had since we’ve been together. She’s been to bars and things every now and then with them and I’ve never felt this way, so to me if that’s true then something about this place is making me feel this way and I’m not just making it up out of thin air.
I will be fine for days or a couple weeks until my wife tells me about a trip or event planned at her salon and I immediately panic and feel like there’s a pit on my stomach and like I’m going to vomit. This leads to me spiraling and telling her how I feel and then getting angry at her for choosing to go and then it just gets out of control. I’m having this internal struggle where periods of time I’m like “ok she should be able to go out with friends or go to a work event and me be ok with it”, but it won’t be long before I think more about it and then it makes me panic just the idea of her going to Nashville and going out with these people.
I keep feeling like we shouldn’t be together because I don’t want to be with someone who has the desire to do things like this and I feel like my wife is different than who I thought I married because I never thought she’d be wanting to do things like this. It’s making me feel betrayed. But I love her so much, she’s my entire world so it’s killing me that I feel this way. I also want to state that I have started therapy and anti depressants and anxiety medication since this started, but it hasn’t seemed to help any at this point. I don’t know what to do. It’s tearing my marriage apart, but I can’t seem to come to terms with it. Am I truly out of bounds in the way that I feel or is this just a matter of a difference of opinion/lifestyle preference that only now became evident because of this new job? And again it’s not like my wife has become this party person, it’s just sporadic events like this Nashville trip that are making me feel this way. Wife started a new job that involves sporadic events/trips with work people that involve going out to bars/drinking and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know how to come to terms with it and force myself to be ok with it.
This salon is the type of place that has brunches together for holidays and things like that and special events at the salon and they have planned a trip to Nashville for some hair event at the end of February that I know will also include everyone going out to the bar or similar places after the hair event.
I know in my head that working here is good for my wife, it’s really furthering her career, she loves working there and it’s giving her opportunities that she’s never had before. The issue is that no matter how hard I try, I cannot be happy for her. I am constantly panicking about her working there and going to things like this Nashville trip and going out and drinking with these people who I don’t know and don’t fit in with. I’m so terrified that it’s just leading us in different directions and that my wife is going to be different because of her working here and these new people and will be doing new things that she didn’t use to do.
She also went on a bachelorette trip to Austin in September and I had a crisis over her being gone and being on a trip that was pretty much entirely devoted to going to bars/drinking/partying. I literally did not know what to do with myself, I was in a state of heavy depression while she was gone and freaked out on her about it while she was there. It’s not like she’s going out every weekend or night. She’s only been to a handful of things like this since she started working there. I just cannot shake the feeling of betrayal and absolute panic when I think of her going to Nashville while I’m at home with our kids. I never imagined I’d be in this situation with my wife, I never really thought she’d want to do things like this, but now she does that she works here and it feels like our relationship is just a completely different dynamic.
I don’t know how to cope with this and it’s driving a wedge in our relationship because I keep bringing it up to her and expressing to her how I feel. She says that it’s all in my head because she is the same person and she hasn’t changed, which isn’t wrong, but in my mind I just do not like the idea of my wife going out to things like this without me. I’ve never felt this way before with her other few friends she’s had since we’ve been together. She’s been to bars and things every now and then with them and I’ve never felt this way, so to me if that’s true then something about this place is making me feel this way and I’m not just making it up out of thin air.
I will be fine for days or a couple weeks until my wife tells me about a trip or event planned at her salon and I immediately panic and feel like there’s a pit on my stomach and like I’m going to vomit. This leads to me spiraling and telling her how I feel and then getting angry at her for choosing to go and then it just gets out of control. I’m having this internal struggle where periods of time I’m like “ok she should be able to go out with friends or go to a work event and me be ok with it”, but it won’t be long before I think more about it and then it makes me panic just the idea of her going to Nashville and going out with these people.
I keep feeling like we shouldn’t be together because I don’t want to be with someone who has the desire to do things like this and I feel like my wife is different than who I thought I married because I never thought she’d be wanting to do things like this. It’s making me feel betrayed. But I love her so much, she’s my entire world so it’s killing me that I feel this way. I also want to state that I have started therapy and anti depressants and anxiety medication since this started, but it hasn’t seemed to help any at this point. I don’t know what to do. It’s tearing my marriage apart, but I can’t seem to come to terms with it. Am I truly out of bounds in the way that I feel or is this just a matter of a difference of opinion/lifestyle preference that only now became evident because of this new job? And again it’s not like my wife has become this party person, it’s just sporadic events like this Nashville trip that are making me feel this way. Wife started a new job that involves sporadic events/trips with work people that involve going out to bars/drinking and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know how to come to terms with it and force myself to be ok with it.
