I hate myself for not leaving when I seen the red flag

I been in a very abusive relationship for 4 years, the first year he did horrendous things to me and I stood thinking it’s because he didn’t know what he was doing, I was so wrong and so naive. 3 years later nothing has changed but has gotten worst. Just alone this year my ex was arrested 19 times , I drop the charges each time, he got off jail recently because of ME. I felt so bad and more because I needed financial help, I didn’t think of the abuse he would cause my son and I . Abusers will continue to abuse and manipulate. They are fucking selfish. I even felt more bad because he had nowhere to go,m when he came of jail, 2 weeks later he threw things at me , the food I cooked he literally took the chicken and threw in my face, he kidnapped my son in another argument and I deeply regret ever letting him back. All those promises of change, out the window, I lost my job AGAIN. My ex sits on his ass , has not worked, I’m left to take care of 2 kids basically. Behind my decision making, now I don’t want him and I don’t want to help him I thought things would be different from sitting in jail…. Nope,he never got a job , exhausted me of all my energy, and money . I have to cook for him and myself but since he’s a big guy I have to cook a lot of food, he doesn’t help me with my son, he will get angry at my son for moving too much, he doesn’t play with him so much only sometimes, he makes me leave my 1 year old son in a room watching cartoons so I can spend time with my ex for hours. I get so annoyed but this is my fault. I’m ashamed to have gone through this and put my kids through it and for what. For a guy who wants sex 24/7 doesn’t respect my wishes, doesn’t help or work but he has so many needs and wants. He gets so mad at the little things because of the scenarios he makes in his head. I swear this will be my last time . I have to muster up the strength to leave forever! Never look back. Put my mind right so I can plan to leave safely . I never thought I’d go through this , iv been with men who had issues and I have lost so money time and energy. I don’t want to ever be with anyone again