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The calm after the storm

Monday evening I explained to him I no longer consider myself in a relationship with him. Explained 30 days is a good timeframe for him to prepare to pack up and find another living situation outside my home.

He kept trying to provoke a conversation by bringing up arguments we'd already moved past. When I asked him if he really wanted to rehash that because it's not going to change things, he said he's not arguing for us to stay together. Good, conversation over.
Tuesday night passed without the typical phone calls and texts while he was at work, I was relieved.

Wednesday morning he crawled into bed and wanted to snuggle, I was to groggy to assert my will and correct this behavior and let him spoon me. When he woke up that afternoon to go to work he attempted to start up a conversation about work, I guess it's because there's always some kind of nonsense going on that I turn into a chatty-cathy about. Not this time though. Needed to keep him at arms length so he understood, we're not a couple any more.

When he was leaving he said "Have a good evening, I love you. Oh well, I mean, bye." Much later I received a phone call asking about the car insurance policy and letting me know he was trying to get his car moved off my policy. He also wanted to know my opinion on the cell phone bill, suggesting once moved into my name he could just give me what his line cost every month. Even went so far to say we could keep it as is because he wasn't going to be doing much of anything except spending a bunch of time with his grandfather. I told him I'd take care of it.

A few hours later I received conversational texts about what was happening at his job, a meme, and a joke.
This morning he crawled into bed and wanted to snuggle again, this time I refused and all that happened was an arm drape.

I asked a good friend who worked with abuse victims through the prosecutors office their thoughts. I was sent a list of behaviors to watch for, there was about 4 behaviors I could safely say yes to (no physical abuse items, just mental, emotional). I then explained this and asked if maybe it was past trauma causing these behaviors. The answer I got made a lot of sense; if it's past trauma causing these behaviors and he really loves me he'll be willing to attend therapy with me to work through our issues, otherwise, he's just an abuser who's not going to change right now.

I've not suggested therapy yet, he's not wanted to talk about our relationship just the desolation. For me, that's fine we'll continue down the desolation path while I maintain intimacy boundaries until he's gone.

The countdown has begun.
Don't suggest therapy and stop sleeping with him..
Get a cott while he's at work and text him that it's in another room with a pillow and blankets..
Leave his clothes outside of your bedroom and lock the door..

Follow through with your decision.. it's the right thing for you and you know that.
StraightLacedLADY · 41-45, F
@Onestarlitnight Didn't even have to, he doesn't seem to care. Won't have a mature discussion and keeps thinking crowding my personal space is the answer.
Now, he's changed tactics to giving me plenty of space but it's clear to me he thinks this is a phase that will pass. I'm just upset... or something ridiculous.
Reading through all my old posts and re-reading old text message arguments has helped me remember that this is the best decision because he's not going to change, he's not interested in change.
@StraightLacedLADY
It certainly sounds like separation is the best decision and you should absolutely follow through and stick to your time table..
It's going to be more of a challenge at first than you might think but before long you'll find that you made the right choice..
I wish you well.. don't encourage or compromise on any delays.. he's an adult and is responsible for himself.. You're not responsible for whatever problems he comes up with..
Stay strong 💪 ✨️
Star1 · F
Good luck & please be careful 😊
Ontheroad · M
I'm always a bit torn when I read something like this... I want to say "good for you!" and at the same time "sorry to hear you are going through this". So, good to hear you are taking control and doing what you need to do, but I'm sorry you are having to go through this whole thing.
LordShadowfire · 46-50, M
So, you're still living with him, but the romantic part of the relationship is over? Wow. I can only dream of one day achieving that level of awkwardness in my life.
StraightLacedLADY · 41-45, F
@LordShadowfire Awkwardness doesn't phase me, just consider him a roommate. He's hardly there when I am anyway so, not difficult.
20Twenty · M
Truly hope he eventually surrenders to your wishes and realizes the same realities you see……
Northwest · M
He can get his own phone policy, and keep his number.
StraightLacedLADY · 41-45, F
@Northwest ... Yeah, that clarifies it for me. Difficult to sift through all the details and figure out where to set boundaries. In my mind, it's like "no big deal we're sharing costs, it saves us both money." but the deeper we get into this the more I realize he seems to be trying to use any foothold to stay. It's discouraging and ... sick.
Ontheroad · M
@StraightLacedLADY and he will continue trying it. You can't rationalize this stuff - he will take advantage of you at every step.
Northwest · M
@StraightLacedLADY You really need to cut all the financial/living situation ties off. He'll use these things as backdoors, to get back in.

- Living situation: is he on the lease? mortgage? if so, you need to deal with it yesterday.

- Change of address: ask him to get a PO Box, and if he does not do it, rent a box yourself at UPS for 1-2 months, and fill out a change of address IMMEDIATELY, to make sure all his email starts going there. Make sure his mail makes it there. When he's ready with a new place, he can fill another change of address, diverting his mail from the PO Box to his new residence.

- Joint cell phone account: fix it now.

- Joint bank accounts? take care of it immediately.

Sometime, relationships run their course, and when you know it's not working you know. Your responsibility to yourself, to make sure it's a clean break, and you're secure.
GJOFJ3 · 61-69, M
Wishing you a smooth transition.
bhatjc · 46-50, M
always good to talk
CassandraSissy · 22-25, T
He sounds very confused, sweetie, and no doubt because you are still sharing a bed together. That really has to stop - I mean, STOP - if you're really wanting him out....

Mixed messages, sweetie....mixed messages....

All the best...

🤔
StraightLacedLADY · 41-45, F
@CassandraSissy As of this weekend, he's sleeping on the couch. Thankfully. Apparently, it helps his back more.
He's not confused, he thinks I'll change my mind and by forcing himself into my personal space that will change. He also knows that I can get overwhelmed at times with people and need space, so he thinks giving it to me will fix the situation.
What he doesn't know is this situation can't be fixed.
His part of the shared bills situation, by his choosing not by any kind of mature discussion, was that I would pay all the bill bills and he would pay for the groceries and the fun stuff. My son just recently had a 16th birthday and an expensive gaming chair was purchased and paid for my this fella, and now since I'm calling it quits, he wants the money he spent on the party and gift back.
I gave him part of the money on Friday and he never said a thing. I'm pretty sure he's been overusing the sports gambling app on his phone and is in desperate need.
Slade · 56-60, M
You need some testosterone on your tongue tip😈
StraightLacedLADY · 41-45, F
@Slade ROFL!! Is that so now??
Gosh, where can I find some of that? I'll jump on amazon and see what I can find 😉
Slade · 56-60, M
@StraightLacedLADY I'll help you get it 😈

 
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