Chill time with Space Jesus and a definite trigger. Do not read if you are struggling at the moment.
Hey yall. I havent been around for a bit. And I've pushed nearly everyone I known out of my life. I'm not asking for forgiveness, just a little patience and understanding because many of you are on this site. I'll explain further.
Some of yu know this and some of you don't, but I suffer from schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. It has had it's interesting moments, especially with the translucent swirly whirlies I see from time to time an the dark spots. It's like a cinema in my brain. But one thing I do not appreciate the gift of is this overwhelming sadness and guilt that I'm constantly feeling. Especially now that I have been out of meds for a few weeks. I wish I could make you understand, my friends, but that is not possible. You will only have to tke my word for it and know that I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy. It is spiritually, mentally and physically debilitating and no one should have to put up with it.
the grief I feel is unlike anything I've ever experienced an it wont' stop. What I've done to others in my life an what I've done to Dolly. If there is a hell, like some of you say, I'm headed there for the latter. And I accept that.
To my true friends on this site, I love you. I wi. a.ways love you and I want you to know tht if I could have neen born a well peron, I would have gladly expressed that love more than what I have been. You have been excellent companions on my journey, and you have no much I appreciate that. Good friends are hard to find, yet life has blessed me enough to parallel our paths. I must have done something right.
I dont' know whats goin to happen in the next couple of hours. THree possililites in my eyes and one of which takes this pain completely out of the picture. I'm shooting for that one.
This is not giving up. I want y all to know that. This is me taking the bulll by the horns, facing alll my demons at once and telling them "anything you can do I can do better" And it will be better. Life must carry on. There is nothing anyone c9uld have done to prevent wht's about to happen, so do not feel bad. Just konw that I love you, and no matter what happens, I'll take that love with me no matter how tings turn out.
I am leaving my profile up, just in case someone stumbles across it one day. Yes I existed and like many of you, I had a terrible internal war going on. Do not let my admission of the loss of this battle discourage you. Keep fighting the good fight;. Your struggle serves as an inspiration to others struggling. I applaud you for being strong enough to keep goinng. You are a trooper.
All that being said, it is time to face what is coming. While I do not fear the process, I fear what comes after beause fear of the unknown is something that is engrained in us all. It is reasonable to fear what I do not understand. Thnk you, my friends, for always being there. Thank you so very much. Maybe we will meet again one day, in a different universe or a different life in this one. So much is going out there. I have no idea what to believe and I believe it would fry my human brain if I were to figure any of it out. By my reckoning, we are so much more than our physical bodies. I just know there is more out there than what is being presented. This is more than one more wasted life. This is a tortured soul finding freedom. I hope you are able to understand what I have written. And I hope you are able to forgive me. Like I said, there is nothing any of you could have done. So, until we meet again.....*roars like a lion* Ah that was my best roar yet!
Some of yu know this and some of you don't, but I suffer from schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. It has had it's interesting moments, especially with the translucent swirly whirlies I see from time to time an the dark spots. It's like a cinema in my brain. But one thing I do not appreciate the gift of is this overwhelming sadness and guilt that I'm constantly feeling. Especially now that I have been out of meds for a few weeks. I wish I could make you understand, my friends, but that is not possible. You will only have to tke my word for it and know that I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy. It is spiritually, mentally and physically debilitating and no one should have to put up with it.
the grief I feel is unlike anything I've ever experienced an it wont' stop. What I've done to others in my life an what I've done to Dolly. If there is a hell, like some of you say, I'm headed there for the latter. And I accept that.
To my true friends on this site, I love you. I wi. a.ways love you and I want you to know tht if I could have neen born a well peron, I would have gladly expressed that love more than what I have been. You have been excellent companions on my journey, and you have no much I appreciate that. Good friends are hard to find, yet life has blessed me enough to parallel our paths. I must have done something right.
I dont' know whats goin to happen in the next couple of hours. THree possililites in my eyes and one of which takes this pain completely out of the picture. I'm shooting for that one.
This is not giving up. I want y all to know that. This is me taking the bulll by the horns, facing alll my demons at once and telling them "anything you can do I can do better" And it will be better. Life must carry on. There is nothing anyone c9uld have done to prevent wht's about to happen, so do not feel bad. Just konw that I love you, and no matter what happens, I'll take that love with me no matter how tings turn out.
I am leaving my profile up, just in case someone stumbles across it one day. Yes I existed and like many of you, I had a terrible internal war going on. Do not let my admission of the loss of this battle discourage you. Keep fighting the good fight;. Your struggle serves as an inspiration to others struggling. I applaud you for being strong enough to keep goinng. You are a trooper.
All that being said, it is time to face what is coming. While I do not fear the process, I fear what comes after beause fear of the unknown is something that is engrained in us all. It is reasonable to fear what I do not understand. Thnk you, my friends, for always being there. Thank you so very much. Maybe we will meet again one day, in a different universe or a different life in this one. So much is going out there. I have no idea what to believe and I believe it would fry my human brain if I were to figure any of it out. By my reckoning, we are so much more than our physical bodies. I just know there is more out there than what is being presented. This is more than one more wasted life. This is a tortured soul finding freedom. I hope you are able to understand what I have written. And I hope you are able to forgive me. Like I said, there is nothing any of you could have done. So, until we meet again.....*roars like a lion* Ah that was my best roar yet!
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