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Unsure if he's right...

I'm an alcoholic & I'm going through AA. I did release over the weekend & my husband was rightly upset.

He feels that i am wanting the world to make me happy & that I am owed something - well its a little be true.

Last night I said to him that I don't have a close friend I can just vent to, someone i can just talk to honestly & openly. As i was trying to speak about it he kept cutting me off & said that i just someone else to fix my problems & i am not taking responsibility for my own actions. How is that wanting someone to fix my own problems? I just want to talk & vent & not asking for any solutions... i know what i need to do to fix my problems. Just i feel i need a friend right now... I already talk at AA but its not the same thing as needing a friend.

I know I have hurt my husband with my drinking & yes wasn't the 1st time i had relapsed but is he right in saying that if i wanna talk to a friend i just want them to fix my problems?
Myself11 · 61-69, M
We all need someone to talk to it’s healthy and natural to do that
In the context of your 9 March post:

He was probably very upset, fed up, at his wit's end with you. Problems of addiction affect everyone around you, with the closest people having the biggest impact.

[b]You DON'T need a friend. You DO need an AA "SPONSOR" or other knowledgeable sobriety coach. A friend will just be another person you unload to and then let down by relapsing.[/b]

You treat relapsing as though it is a minor thing. And you admit

[quote]He feels that i am wanting the world to make me happy & that I am owed something - well its a little be true.[/quote]

...so I think his real, close-up, involved insight is worth listening to. It's a miracle he'd put up with you, and I am sure that what you were hearing from him is that he was tired of hearing you say the same old things [b]withOUT it leading to real change.[/b]

You sound as though you are or were [u]comfortable[/u] with your own cycle of

relapse -> ask forgiveness
-> say you'll change
-> whine about your condition

You need to NOT think that you have a "right" to break your sobriety. You need to get serious and COMMIT to it.

I think you were/are close to losing your husband & marriage. If you AGREE with his assessment of you...ask yourself why, but in the context of a real self-examination in a treatment program, but only if you truly commit.

It doesn't sound as though you were over yourself enough to admit that you can't control your condition by yourself; this is why you were online, whining on the MONDAY about the fallout from having just relapsed on "the weekend", THE TWO PRECEDING DAYS...

Is he still with you? I'd be surprised if he were up for this kind of martyrdom.

Are you still in this cycle?

Or have you finally started looking at YOURSELF rather than blaming everyone else?

I hope you are ok, but to be so self-absorbed the day after the weekend where you relapsed...
Viper · M
Based on what was given, I'd say he's wrong, that you want someone that you feels listens to you, and have a great connection with and it bothers you don't have that.

Which, also might sound like you might not have that in your marriage either at that moment.

I know it feels a bit strange but some pets are great listener, especially if they enjoy being petted. And they never tell anyone.

But also maybe it's a sign you need to try to open up and find new people in your life? I meant that friends wise.
BondGirl84 · 36-40, F
@Viper oh I have found some new friends... thanks tho!
Viper · M
@BondGirl84 awesome
4meAndyou · F
Your husband obviously needs some support of his own. The families of alcoholics can undergo unbearable strain, trying to deal with the alcoholic.

There is a group called Al-Anon for such family members, and your husband might wish to attend. He needs help and support so that he knows how to deal with you in a healthy way.

There is a television show called Mom, all about a group of alcoholic women and their friends from AA. I watch it because it is sandwiched between Young Sheldon and Carol's Second Act. But is really, really funny, in a dark comedy sort of way.

One thing they speak about on that show is that alcoholics often bring their friends down in addition to themselves. And...watching with a critical eye...some of the women in the show appear to be narcissists who are trying desperately to learn how to be another way.
BondGirl84 · 36-40, F
@4meAndyou actually that's a gud idea... will talk to him about it... Mom? unsure if its screened in UK but can try & find a stream for it... thanks for your help!!
4meAndyou · F
@BondGirl84 You are most welcome. I will say a prayer for the both of you. Be strong.🙏
Wraithorn · 51-55, M
It seems like you are wanting a friend who can understand why you became an alcoholic in the 1st place and help you though recovery which is not an easy process. Good luck with that. That road to recovery can be quite lonely.
BondGirl84 · 36-40, F
@Wraithorn that's brilliant that u have been sober for so long.... i am aware of the problem & want to stop so...
Wraithorn · 51-55, M
@BondGirl84 This may sound weird but in my experience the key to stopping permanently was getting my conscious and subconscious minds to agree.
I knew I had a problem at about age 24 but it took a couple yrs of negotiation with my subconscious mind.
I remember the date, time and location when I stopped. I was alone and drinking a beer when my subconscious mind sent me a message. It said,"Okay then, this is your last drink. I agree."
And that was that. I didn't drink again.

The same goes for my coffee addiction. It took yrs of thinking about stopping. Then one day when I was alone again my subconscious mind sent me a similar message. I was drinking coffee and had enough coffee in the house for another month or so. I just received a message that seemed to come from the depths of my mind which said,"Okay then, this is your last coffee."
I was like "What ? Now ? But I have so much coffee in stock waiting to be drunk."
The reply was,"Yes, now ! Enjoy it because this your last."

I know that sounds weird but this is the way I remember it.
Speak to yourself, to your own subconscious mind and ask it to cooperate for your own sake.
BondGirl84 · 36-40, F
@Wraithorn does make sense actually.... will give it a go.... thanks!!
Budwick · 70-79, M
You DO have friends you can talk to - you're in AA.

No, sharing with someone in AA is not expecting them to fix anything.

You need to go to more meetings.
BondGirl84 · 36-40, F
@Budwick yea know what u mean, yea i go to one that's face to face & 2 a week that's online... have some annual leave to take this week so gonna go to more face to face meetings
HPL69 · M
I am here if you want to talk ! I will listen to you ! Have a wonderful day 🌹

 
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