A letter to you
I’m writing this as a letter to you, although I do realise you’ll never read it. I just need somewhere to express everything I’m feeling.
David (SpaceJesus)
I saw your post yesterday and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve tried to call your phone since then. I wasn’t going to talk you out of your plan, I respect that it’s a hard enough decision to make and only you have the right to that decision. I’ve been there enough times myself to know those conversations don’t help, although selfishly I would have loved it if a conversation did give you a different perspective. But my reason for desperately trying to call is just to be with you, just to make sure you weren’t scared and alone when the time came. I can’t bear the thought that you felt that way at the end.
I need you to know that you matter, that you made a difference, that you changed lives and saved lives. I’m not sure I ever expressed that to you in those terms, but you definitely saved my life several times.
Our friendship has been a crazy one. We first swapped phone numbers over 4 years ago during a stupid game of sw truth or dare. I remember that first phone call when I had no idea who you were. You very quickly became a great friend, my confidante, and more like an elder brother. Taking that dare is honestly one of the best things I’ve ever done on this site and I’m eternally grateful that you came into my life.
I can’t even comprehend how many hours we’ve spent on the phone, laughing, crying, discussing everything in the world and more. You live on the other side of the world and yet you made me feel like I was never alone. I loved our movie nights, I’d never done that before and it helped bring me so much comfort, like we were together in time.
There is one time that changed everything, and to me just shows how entirely selfless, kind and an amazing person you are. I was in crisis and having a complete meltdown, if I remember correctly I’d made some posts on here that sparked concern. You kept ringing me and I just couldn’t face talking. You sent me a message to say that you didn’t want to talk and if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to talk either, you just didn’t want me to be on my own. I answered your call and you sat in silence while I cried, I think that call went over 2 hours, you stopped me from feeling alone and in that moment it saved me, just being there in that moment saved me from the darkest thoughts and the suffocating loneliness. I can never thank you enough for that day, and I can’t even imagine how awful that call must have been for you, but you were there. And following that, any time I needed it, any time of day or night I knew I could call with no expectations, no pressure, no judgement just to not be alone and feel accepted and loved.
You were my cheerleader, building me up and celebrating the tiny achievements that went unnoticed by most. You made me feel valued, and for a person that is so full of self hatred and resentment that’s an impossible task.
I know you had challenging times and your own struggles, in some way I think that helped us both. We understood how it felt to be a bit fucked up and have challenges that made the easiest of tasks for others feel impossible to us. We were from separate worlds with so many similarities.
I’m desperately sad that we will never do our trip to Dollywood, but I’m going to make this promise. I’m going to go to Dollywood one day, I’m going to have the best time, I’m going to laugh and smile and in that moment I will think of you fondly.
I hope you found peace, if by a miracle you found peace in life I’d be elated, but if not I hope you found peace at the end and I’ll find comfort in knowing your pain and suffering is over.
You came, you saw, you chose kindness, you made a difference, you are loved….always.
David (SpaceJesus)
I saw your post yesterday and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve tried to call your phone since then. I wasn’t going to talk you out of your plan, I respect that it’s a hard enough decision to make and only you have the right to that decision. I’ve been there enough times myself to know those conversations don’t help, although selfishly I would have loved it if a conversation did give you a different perspective. But my reason for desperately trying to call is just to be with you, just to make sure you weren’t scared and alone when the time came. I can’t bear the thought that you felt that way at the end.
I need you to know that you matter, that you made a difference, that you changed lives and saved lives. I’m not sure I ever expressed that to you in those terms, but you definitely saved my life several times.
Our friendship has been a crazy one. We first swapped phone numbers over 4 years ago during a stupid game of sw truth or dare. I remember that first phone call when I had no idea who you were. You very quickly became a great friend, my confidante, and more like an elder brother. Taking that dare is honestly one of the best things I’ve ever done on this site and I’m eternally grateful that you came into my life.
I can’t even comprehend how many hours we’ve spent on the phone, laughing, crying, discussing everything in the world and more. You live on the other side of the world and yet you made me feel like I was never alone. I loved our movie nights, I’d never done that before and it helped bring me so much comfort, like we were together in time.
There is one time that changed everything, and to me just shows how entirely selfless, kind and an amazing person you are. I was in crisis and having a complete meltdown, if I remember correctly I’d made some posts on here that sparked concern. You kept ringing me and I just couldn’t face talking. You sent me a message to say that you didn’t want to talk and if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to talk either, you just didn’t want me to be on my own. I answered your call and you sat in silence while I cried, I think that call went over 2 hours, you stopped me from feeling alone and in that moment it saved me, just being there in that moment saved me from the darkest thoughts and the suffocating loneliness. I can never thank you enough for that day, and I can’t even imagine how awful that call must have been for you, but you were there. And following that, any time I needed it, any time of day or night I knew I could call with no expectations, no pressure, no judgement just to not be alone and feel accepted and loved.
You were my cheerleader, building me up and celebrating the tiny achievements that went unnoticed by most. You made me feel valued, and for a person that is so full of self hatred and resentment that’s an impossible task.
I know you had challenging times and your own struggles, in some way I think that helped us both. We understood how it felt to be a bit fucked up and have challenges that made the easiest of tasks for others feel impossible to us. We were from separate worlds with so many similarities.
I’m desperately sad that we will never do our trip to Dollywood, but I’m going to make this promise. I’m going to go to Dollywood one day, I’m going to have the best time, I’m going to laugh and smile and in that moment I will think of you fondly.
I hope you found peace, if by a miracle you found peace in life I’d be elated, but if not I hope you found peace at the end and I’ll find comfort in knowing your pain and suffering is over.
You came, you saw, you chose kindness, you made a difference, you are loved….always.
