I'm so close to beating everyone around me (very graphic)ps. English is not my first language

So basically people always saw me as a friend they call if they don't have anyone else or the need comfort. I can't say no. I want to but I think I'll be alone again and Ill be worse than I was before. About two years ago I was going trough some really hard time finding friends and moving into a new city. I was rude because I thought that would stop them from beating me up over and over. In a new neighborhood, new school, new everything. I had one friend called Tamara. She was one year older than me and we've been hanging out for four years. I trusted her with my soul. She helped me meet a lot of cool people and get over the whole situation. But I didn't realize how bad she actually was for me. She's insecure about herself and used to tell me all her problems all the time. And when I tried to say something about me she would tell her situations are way much worse and that im just being a drama queen. When actually I was coming home so close to crying covered in bruise's and had to help my mom and my brother because it was also hard for them. My grades started falling and I started joking about myself to make people feel better. I basically became a clown. A lying pretending monster. Only to realize that I was very much in love with Tamara. She was the first person I loved. I still do. I hate myself for that. I don't want to hurt her but I'm hurting myself. I get so angry thinking about her and the past years that I imagine beating up people. To death. And then eating them with my hands. It sounds silly and goofy but it literally feels like someone tearing my brain apart. It hurts me to think. I am so so tired of dealing with everything. I'm so desperate I don't know what to do. Can someone please help me?