Bro I honestly can’t 💀💀

I will go off topic a lot idk what the topic is but yk it changes its just how I speak. This is rlly pathetic but I just thought I’d put myself out here cuz no one else rlly listens and it’s difficult - I’m lying, people do listen it’s just they give such shitty responses (maybe im seeking to much?) I don’t know tbh, it’s just last year I was self harming and it didn’t last long because my parents found out and I’m a minor so it didn’t go well. I went to therapy and it was so fucking annoying i hated it i only went to get out of school and I know I’m being really selfish and honestly I need to lower my standards about everything in general. I’m constantly judging othering and I never judge my lazy ass, I cheat in ever exam/test I never study and since I’m such a young age my whole life basically revolves around school yk? I’m doing GSCES next year and that’s awhile away but it’ll fly in but hopefully someone can understand my struggle. I honestly care for nothing and no one anymore except my siblings and parents. I’m trying to build proper relationships with people in school and outside of school but it’s just so irritating because I honestly make relationships from humour. Ive lost many friends in the past couple of months because of my offensive and insensitive jokes and I’m sorry I just honestly can’t find the need to care it’s so draining. It’s not as if I’m completely having a dig at minorities i honestly just make a tense joke every once and awhile but a couple people found it incredibly offended even though it doesn’t relate to them. I honestly can’t be bloody bothered 💀 my friends don’t know anything about me because we never speak about feelings we are just constantly making jokes. We never speak rlly about each other idk if that makes sense. But anyway I feel as if no one likes me, and I’ve been told I’m pretty and slim and good looking in general but i feel as if my personality ruins how people see me. I don’t know if I have a disability or I’m just an absolute prick. I feel no regret or guilt about making fun of overweight or ugly and annoying people or making fun of literally everything it’s so difficult. I feel like I’m such a bitch and can’t fix it. This has been going on for a year and I’m starting to see the consequences. No one who isn’t my 4 or 5 friends doesn’t like me, I’m constantly given dirty looks even whenever I’m being kind, people always talk shit about me. It’s so hypocritical because Im always mean and cheeky to others but whenever they do the same it really hurts me. Idk if I’m suicidal I would rather not be here and I want to self harm again but that’s embarrassing so I don’t know. I annoy people so much and I feel like such an embarrassment to the little friends I have I can’t cope. I’m so loud and annoying I hate myself so much I’m honestly like donkey from shrek but worse that’s what my sister said lmao 💀💀. But yea I just hate myself so much I have so much to complain about I’m such a prick I rlly hope someone can relate because I feel so alone personality wise and just the way I act idk bye