I wanna vent everyday but I’m too lazy so this is my first time venting on the internet TvT

I feel like shit everyday and I wish I could have someone to talk too. I hate myself soo much to the point that changing isn’tfront of the mirror scares me. I wish my body and face would be more different as I grow up but it’s the same ugly me and I’d thought I’d finally get a boyfriend but nooo everyone I ever ask rejects me. I feel like an outcast in my friends group I’m the only girl that is bad at school in my class and I literally fail the first month of school like an idiot. Yes I did study for the test but I still fail somehow and idk how I managed to fail despite studying for the test but I did and only idiots like me fail a test you study for. Uknow mu always wish that maybe I’ll get good in school again somehow but my memory is always fuzzy I always forgets everything I do every minute and idk how to fix it. I can’t tell all the problems to my mom or anyone except doing it online. I did attempt to off my self before but sadly I didn’t have enough pills and I was quite upset bcuz if I did died right there I wouldn’t have to bare to see that I’ll always be a useless failure anymore. Got I never rlly get diagnosed with anything maybe I just wants attention is what I tell myself bcuz I can’t just go around and tell people I have severe depression do I? I feel like an attention seeker every time I open up about myself and I hate it. I used to cry all the time but I don’t rlly do it often now. Most time I just starts to breakdown and every time I do I start to hallucinate sometimes even without breaking down I would still see stuff like black shadow or whatever that wasn’t even there. I feel like they’re always watching me out the corner of my eyes and I’m not rlly used to it but I can deal with it now. I always have the urge to kill myself but idk how to do it I’m scared. I have soooo many other things to say that I can’t explain how I would say it but this will do for now