What am I experiencing? Dysphoria? Possibly; But because of what? My ED- being forced to eat more then I want, binge eating, purgeing? Or perhaps is it that I am trans? (Or do I only feel choked by the rigit gender ralated social constructs???) I don't exactly mind my feminine features 90% of the time, but I am in love with having a flat chest and narrow hips, short hair and a skinny body, body hair and muscles. But then I ask myself if I like them on myself or on others. I think that I might me asexual. I don't feel anything while the other person is hyperventilating (wich makes me look tough :) ) so I do think it might be that I am actually manting the male image for myself. I have 3 problems tho: 1. I am 1.55 cm (5feet1), my time of growth is long gone and I dougt that I could ever pass; 2.1. My parent are and have become even more openly homophobic (and they think that being trans is the same as being a lesbian) after I passingly brought up the subject of some of my frinds being gay. I don't want a life without parents. 2.2. I live in the lgbt-hating balkans :) 3. What is I will ever want to have biological kids? I am pro antinatalism is many cases tho and if I want a kid I will probably just adopt, but still. I do have that fear So I REALLY hope I am not trans or queer at all.
I hope therefore it is only a self esteem issue, which is possible. Back in camp, while I was eating a yogurt, a crep and a meal a day, walking for hours, feeling my best, making friends, I almost forgot about my image issues while we did a body shaming exercise. I also did not think much of my gender, not that it wasn't brought up. I even kinda got into a type of relationship with a younger dude. A dude! (Not that ai don't like guys, but I do not feel ok being "the submissive one", which I wasn't were) So it is possible for me tk be ok with myself. Right?