random vent just gotta get it out
i think there’s something wrong with me and i don’t know where to start to tackle the issue. i’ve never been the most social person, but i have two really close friends who i genuinely care about but i can’t stand being around them, idk if that makes sense.
it makes me feel bad and i obviously don’t tell them i dislike being around them, and i really try to teach myself to be able to hang out and talk to them without wanting to rip my hair out. i’ve been struggling with mental health issues for around 10 years now but this aspect of it has drastically worsened and it makes me feel so shitty bc i wish i could enjoy being with my friends but i just can’t anymore.
i’ve explained to them that i need time alone sometimes and that it’s never something they’ve done, because they’re not at fault for anything this is just a me problem; but i feel like it’s still shitty of me to be so absent and it would probably be better if i just left them for good but i obviously won’t do that unless they tell me that’s what they want.
i have a new therapy appointment after summer break and i’m going to try to bring it up and try improving and maybe getting proper treatment to improve my mental health in general. anyways the main thing im feeling right now is that there’s something really wrong with me and i can’t stop feeling guilty about not liking to be around anyone at all, not even close friends. i feel like a fraud and a liar because i’m sure if they knew how i felt when i’m around them they wouldn’t want to be around me at all; both of them tell me that they’re the person they’re the most comfortable with too and it just makes it so much worse, i really just want to leave.
i don’t think it’s going to be like this forever of course but it’s getting so tiring to always feel so disconnected and gross
it makes me feel bad and i obviously don’t tell them i dislike being around them, and i really try to teach myself to be able to hang out and talk to them without wanting to rip my hair out. i’ve been struggling with mental health issues for around 10 years now but this aspect of it has drastically worsened and it makes me feel so shitty bc i wish i could enjoy being with my friends but i just can’t anymore.
i’ve explained to them that i need time alone sometimes and that it’s never something they’ve done, because they’re not at fault for anything this is just a me problem; but i feel like it’s still shitty of me to be so absent and it would probably be better if i just left them for good but i obviously won’t do that unless they tell me that’s what they want.
i have a new therapy appointment after summer break and i’m going to try to bring it up and try improving and maybe getting proper treatment to improve my mental health in general. anyways the main thing im feeling right now is that there’s something really wrong with me and i can’t stop feeling guilty about not liking to be around anyone at all, not even close friends. i feel like a fraud and a liar because i’m sure if they knew how i felt when i’m around them they wouldn’t want to be around me at all; both of them tell me that they’re the person they’re the most comfortable with too and it just makes it so much worse, i really just want to leave.
i don’t think it’s going to be like this forever of course but it’s getting so tiring to always feel so disconnected and gross
