Venting and Some Mixed Emotions

I was wanting to know what to do?
I’m with someone, yes I love this person. But I still think of another person.
I just don’t know what to do.
On top of that , I do so much self loathing, I just don’t want to do anything anymore . I don’t know who I’am? I don’t know what to do? I just , hate myself . More and more .
At this point I’m thinking I should just kill myself . But , I don’t know? Not to mention I hate seeing people happy. Just makes me angry. I don’t know where I was going with this.