Silly potato feelings

I always like to say that I am a badass, and strong etc. I always feel as such, and people around me describe me as such as well, because as compared to my peers, I always worked things out for myself in most aspects, silly or serious, whereas, they had someone in their family to work it out for them, also whether silly or serious matters... So I always thought of myself as self-sufficient, and strong .. but maybe the one thing I lack or suck at, is trying new things, new experiences, and new places. I get scared, feel strange, and cold very easily. Probably this is one thing that my peers excel at as compared to me, because I was not made for this. I was brought up living a life with a lot of routine.. Give me a system, i will follow it, and will excel at it and conquer it, but put me somewhere new and leave it open ended for me to choose, I'd freak out in a minute.

Today, I did not have much planned, I needed (and I say needed and not wanted because I didn't want it really) to just get out, walk around, and mainly get my SIN number from the center.

I checked on the map where the nearest center is located, it was an hour and 15 mins walk, I figured I will walk it, although I am sure there was an easier way to get there, because I live near by the metro (it is a reason I chose this airbnb).. But I love walking, and the weather was warm but not too hot.. I There was also lovely nature and trees all around ..

As I started walking, it felt very nice and enlightening at the beginning, seeing the lovely trees .. but the further I went, the more strange I started feeling, and at one point I freaked out, not sure why. There was an old guy cycling, he kindly smiled at me and waved as he went by, not sure why, probably because I looked so freaked out...! This small act of kindness calmed me down a bit, although he was a complete stranger 🤷‍♀️

The way the street was very quiet, without many people around also filled me with strange feelings.. Idk why it was this quiet, maybe it is the neighbourhood, maybe because it was a Friday, so people are at work, especially that most people I saw, were senior folks walking their dogs, or just jogging..

Then I had such a freak out when I saw the path I was supposed to follow on the map was closed, i can't believe I spent 10 minutes freaking out and thinking of going back, when the solution was very easy to just cross the other side, but I was scared I will get lost especially that the other side looked closed as well 😔

It wasn't until I got closer to the center where there were so many shops/restaurants/ and markets when i started calming down.. The fact that I ended up reaching the center gave me some confidence that I will not get lost on my own (as silly as this sunds because it is not a big achievement lol) even if I ended up realising that I went to the wrong type of center! I thought in the morning service Canada vs Service Ontario, they are probably the same thing 🤷‍♀️, well they are not O.o .. I was waiting outside, hesitant and not sure if I can enter because there was a long line inside reaching the door, then a very old guy who was waiting inside opened the door and invited me inside, another very simple kindness that calmed me down a bit more..

Then I entered the market and felt a lot more comfortable especially when I saw so many brands that I am familiar with.. Funny, but really seeing familiar brands made me feel better... but then I lost it and almost cried at the vegetables section 🤦‍♀️ I am not joking, I teared up looking at cabbages and cauliflower .. Idk I smelled something familiar and Idk why I remembered my mother, and I found myself very touched by the look of cauliflower 🤷‍♀️

I feel my feelings are very exaggerated, and I should not be that scared ... I also probably have it better than most people, well because I come from a country where it is multicultural, so I am familiar with seeing Arabs/Asians/Africans/westerners everywhere, in this aspect, I felt Canada is just the same. I could imagine if I lived in a country where it was all my race or nationality, I would have freaked out even more/or felt colder, simply because the faces would be so unfamiliar, but to me, faces and accents are just exactly the same.. The other thing, i live on my own, always have, so I'd imagine most people close to their family, would have it much worse going very far, yet even though there is pretty much no difference in my lifestyle, since I am alone here and there, I feel very cold.. My mother is not even alive, but I miss her more being here..

My final stop was Tim Hortons, I also felt calmer there, because it was familiar, especially the smell.. I was facing the sun and I think I made a reaction with my face, then one kind lady pulled the curtains down for me, and waved at me as she was leaving, that also was some simple act of kindness that made feel calmer inside, although again, a complete stranger..

Heading back to my room, because I don't want it to get dark while outside, that would probably freak me out... but I am glad I can write here about all the silly feelings and stupid "challenges" I am facing.. It would have been a lot worse if I didn't have this outlet... I think I will feel a lot better when I get to my room... and this time I will make sure to do more google search before I get out tomorrow, I really didn't do much today, and just wandered off like an idiot 🤷‍♀️ I just hope that I keep running into kind strangers too 🥔❤️