I Need to Vent
I got a knee injury while doing charity stuff in Uganda this summer, so I was low-key forced to take time off to recover and go to physiotherapy this year. My oldest sister offered to let me stay with her during the time, as I couldn't work and therefore wouldn't be able to rent an apartment just yet. She also lives in one of Norway's biggest cities, so there would be tons of Physiotherapists and other things to help me out if needed.
My oldest sister is a single mom with two kids - one 3-year-old boy and one 5-year-old girl. That would be fine, I thought. I'm good with kids.
I forgot my mother lived with her too.
She left us to pursue her career when I was around 10, but before that she made me learn Russian, she made me take piano lessons, she made me take singing lessons, and she signed me up for sports I weren't interested in. Even when she left, I was stuck in these, because she visited every now and then and would be furious at my dad if he let me quit an extracurricular activity for "no good reason".
So now I'm living with her, and I feel like I'm getting close to the worst I've ever been, mental-wise. She won't let me have any free time. She makes up chores for me on top of the ones I already do. She pushed me into joining a choir even though I hate singing in choirs. She makes plans for me without telling me first, and gets angry when I've already made plans. She told me to apply for welfare money so that I can buy things I don't want. When I reluctantly do, she tells everyone who comes over that I'm on welfare.
I didn't even have to apply for that shit. I had enough to pay rent. She wanted me to buy stuff for sewing, so that I would have more things to do instead of things I wanted to do.
She asks me to do things I've never done, and gets pissed when I ask how. She won't tell me. She expects me to just figure it out. It's like she thinks I already know, and that I'm asking because I'm lazy or trying to piss her off. It makes me feel so, so stupid. Dumb idiot who doesn't understand how to use the food processor. Stupid moron who has to ask when she's supposed to shift gear when test driving.
I've been here since June now, and the only thing that's kept me from killing myself is that two small children live here, and that I have a twin sister who I am very close to.
Losing an identical twin must be so much worse than losing anyone else. I would be haunting her mirrors and pictures. She'd be forced into becoming an entire, separate person. I don't want that on anyone.
Last year, I played a main character in a musical and did charity work. Now I can barely get out of bed when I'm supposed to.
Maybe I [i]am[/i] overreacting. Maybe I'm just lazy trash. I really thought I wasn't, but I also once thought I was really smart so that just goes to show you.
I wish I never went to Uganda. I wish I hadn't gotten an injury. If I had been more careful, I wouldn't have had to stay with her, my sister, and my sister's kids this year.
I used to be so independent. Moved away and rented an apartment when I was 16. I used to feel like I was at least [i]sorta[/i] smart and competent. Now I can't even use a microwave without worrying that I'm doing it wrong.
I feel like a failure.
Sorry for writing a whole biography here, I just don't really have anyone else to tell this to.
My oldest sister is a single mom with two kids - one 3-year-old boy and one 5-year-old girl. That would be fine, I thought. I'm good with kids.
I forgot my mother lived with her too.
She left us to pursue her career when I was around 10, but before that she made me learn Russian, she made me take piano lessons, she made me take singing lessons, and she signed me up for sports I weren't interested in. Even when she left, I was stuck in these, because she visited every now and then and would be furious at my dad if he let me quit an extracurricular activity for "no good reason".
So now I'm living with her, and I feel like I'm getting close to the worst I've ever been, mental-wise. She won't let me have any free time. She makes up chores for me on top of the ones I already do. She pushed me into joining a choir even though I hate singing in choirs. She makes plans for me without telling me first, and gets angry when I've already made plans. She told me to apply for welfare money so that I can buy things I don't want. When I reluctantly do, she tells everyone who comes over that I'm on welfare.
I didn't even have to apply for that shit. I had enough to pay rent. She wanted me to buy stuff for sewing, so that I would have more things to do instead of things I wanted to do.
She asks me to do things I've never done, and gets pissed when I ask how. She won't tell me. She expects me to just figure it out. It's like she thinks I already know, and that I'm asking because I'm lazy or trying to piss her off. It makes me feel so, so stupid. Dumb idiot who doesn't understand how to use the food processor. Stupid moron who has to ask when she's supposed to shift gear when test driving.
I've been here since June now, and the only thing that's kept me from killing myself is that two small children live here, and that I have a twin sister who I am very close to.
Losing an identical twin must be so much worse than losing anyone else. I would be haunting her mirrors and pictures. She'd be forced into becoming an entire, separate person. I don't want that on anyone.
Last year, I played a main character in a musical and did charity work. Now I can barely get out of bed when I'm supposed to.
Maybe I [i]am[/i] overreacting. Maybe I'm just lazy trash. I really thought I wasn't, but I also once thought I was really smart so that just goes to show you.
I wish I never went to Uganda. I wish I hadn't gotten an injury. If I had been more careful, I wouldn't have had to stay with her, my sister, and my sister's kids this year.
I used to be so independent. Moved away and rented an apartment when I was 16. I used to feel like I was at least [i]sorta[/i] smart and competent. Now I can't even use a microwave without worrying that I'm doing it wrong.
I feel like a failure.
Sorry for writing a whole biography here, I just don't really have anyone else to tell this to.
22-25, F
