I Need to Vent
The past five years since I graduated I've learned some life lessons. Sometimes I think of things differently than I did as a teenager. I have a somewhat better mindset about certain things in life, but I'm still very depressed most of the time. Above all, I'm extremely lonely.
Every passing year I look around me and see not just my classmates but even my younger siblings and look at where they are in their lives now. I feel like everyone I once knew relatively close to my age is growing up without me, and I'm just stuck in one spot alone. It reminds me daily how much of a headcase I am. That there is something extremely wrong with me.
I know my success is all up to me, nobody else can do it for me. I know I have to take action and work hard to get what I want.
I'm not lonely for affection as in kisses, having someone to sleep beside at night, sex, all that. I'm lonely for acceptance, I guess is what it all comes down to. Approval. I want someone to say I'm doing exceptionally well, and not just for tiny progress.
I have a toxic trait, or two. One is that I push everyone away when I'm depressed or angry. I shut people out and 9/10 I don't let other people get to know me and discover what potential I have, what a decent person I am. I get very, very angry, and I express it because angry is the only way I know how to be strong. So I often pass myself off as a heartless, unfriendly bitch so people won't want to try to push further to get to know me.
I also put on a show and make subtle angry displays about my negative outlook about marriage/relationships/having a family. If someone asks me 'do you have a boyfriend?' 'When are you going to settle down?' 'When are you having kids?' I laugh and say something like, "who the hell wants to get married? Boyfriend? Why the hell would I want one of those?"
I was born with a great uneasiness towards other human beings. I swear, I really am. My dad said I was like 3 years old, locking myself in bedrooms during family gatherings. It has always been extremely difficult for me to make friends and open up to people in person. I mean, I can make a good co-worker or colleague. Joking around or conversing briefly for a handful of hours, but there is little or no deep connection.
I feel that I have to be alone, whether it be no partner/significant other, and no real friends because I feel I would just disappoint them over and over again if I open my heart to them. To me, I feel that the only way to be a worthy friend is to always be happy and outgoing and approachable and active. I don't think I could do that. It would be way too exhausting for me to have to put on a show and pretend constantly.
You could say that I live in fear just of living, if that makes any sense. I feel there's no point in trying to give myself a better life that could make me happier, because I think nothing is guaranteed. I'd put so much effort into something, only to fail or it not work out.
It's the same way I feel with finding someone to spend my life with. Divorce rates are higher than ever, and nobody wants to be faithful or loyal. Why should I stick my neck out? Why should I put myself on the line when everything could crumble at any time? I refuse to be yet another statistic. A young, heartbroken woman that's divorced before she's even 25 years old, or a single mother. I refuse, I repeat, I refuse to put myself in situations that might not end well. And I know exactly what people would tell me, "if you never make decisions and make sacrifices, you're going to have a sad life." I know that.
But I can't understand everyone else. Is no one else afraid of anything? Is no one else afraid of looking like an idiot after failing again and again? Why would you put yourself in situations where you're just going to get hurt?
The main reason why I want to be successful is just to be well set financially. I know that sounds terrible, but it wouldn't be about flaunting my wealth for how expensive my car is, how beautiful my house is, or how well I dress. It would simply be the fact that I made something big of myself. The grinding and the pressure it took to make it so far. The fact that I would do so well, that I can prove that I'm doing just fine, ever more than fine; all by myself. And that I don't need a man to complete my life.
I just want to be something incredible, something spectacular. I want people to remember me as the girl who did it all and went out with a big bang.
Every passing year I look around me and see not just my classmates but even my younger siblings and look at where they are in their lives now. I feel like everyone I once knew relatively close to my age is growing up without me, and I'm just stuck in one spot alone. It reminds me daily how much of a headcase I am. That there is something extremely wrong with me.
I know my success is all up to me, nobody else can do it for me. I know I have to take action and work hard to get what I want.
I'm not lonely for affection as in kisses, having someone to sleep beside at night, sex, all that. I'm lonely for acceptance, I guess is what it all comes down to. Approval. I want someone to say I'm doing exceptionally well, and not just for tiny progress.
I have a toxic trait, or two. One is that I push everyone away when I'm depressed or angry. I shut people out and 9/10 I don't let other people get to know me and discover what potential I have, what a decent person I am. I get very, very angry, and I express it because angry is the only way I know how to be strong. So I often pass myself off as a heartless, unfriendly bitch so people won't want to try to push further to get to know me.
I also put on a show and make subtle angry displays about my negative outlook about marriage/relationships/having a family. If someone asks me 'do you have a boyfriend?' 'When are you going to settle down?' 'When are you having kids?' I laugh and say something like, "who the hell wants to get married? Boyfriend? Why the hell would I want one of those?"
I was born with a great uneasiness towards other human beings. I swear, I really am. My dad said I was like 3 years old, locking myself in bedrooms during family gatherings. It has always been extremely difficult for me to make friends and open up to people in person. I mean, I can make a good co-worker or colleague. Joking around or conversing briefly for a handful of hours, but there is little or no deep connection.
I feel that I have to be alone, whether it be no partner/significant other, and no real friends because I feel I would just disappoint them over and over again if I open my heart to them. To me, I feel that the only way to be a worthy friend is to always be happy and outgoing and approachable and active. I don't think I could do that. It would be way too exhausting for me to have to put on a show and pretend constantly.
You could say that I live in fear just of living, if that makes any sense. I feel there's no point in trying to give myself a better life that could make me happier, because I think nothing is guaranteed. I'd put so much effort into something, only to fail or it not work out.
It's the same way I feel with finding someone to spend my life with. Divorce rates are higher than ever, and nobody wants to be faithful or loyal. Why should I stick my neck out? Why should I put myself on the line when everything could crumble at any time? I refuse to be yet another statistic. A young, heartbroken woman that's divorced before she's even 25 years old, or a single mother. I refuse, I repeat, I refuse to put myself in situations that might not end well. And I know exactly what people would tell me, "if you never make decisions and make sacrifices, you're going to have a sad life." I know that.
But I can't understand everyone else. Is no one else afraid of anything? Is no one else afraid of looking like an idiot after failing again and again? Why would you put yourself in situations where you're just going to get hurt?
The main reason why I want to be successful is just to be well set financially. I know that sounds terrible, but it wouldn't be about flaunting my wealth for how expensive my car is, how beautiful my house is, or how well I dress. It would simply be the fact that I made something big of myself. The grinding and the pressure it took to make it so far. The fact that I would do so well, that I can prove that I'm doing just fine, ever more than fine; all by myself. And that I don't need a man to complete my life.
I just want to be something incredible, something spectacular. I want people to remember me as the girl who did it all and went out with a big bang.
26-30, F
