AT LAST, COULD THIS BE THE REASON WHY I HATE MY SEXUALITY???

@SW-User Thanks! I sure wish I had figured this out a long time ago. But better late than never.

@sarabee1995 You and I both have similar views of the difference between those emojis. But on the reaction, I think people see it more as a "caring hug" than as a "sad hug."

It's been a couple days now. It's weird to know intellectually that this is a victory and yet feel emotionally like it is a defeat.

@ShadowSister {caring hug}


😁

@sarabee1995 EXACTLY!!!

@sarabee1995 Why not? Not to take them would be unreasonable, how do you think they would feel if you rejected them.

@KiwiBird Oh! I'm most assuredly not rejecting Taylor! I love her to pieces. But at some point I must share. No?

@sarabee1995 Sharing is Caring and shows Kindness.

@SatyrService You're probably not wrong. But I'm not sure how that relates to my story. The only imprint I seemed to have was, "This is intrusive and I hate this." And I don't think it was particularly caused by anything. Not that I can figure out anyway. I mean, of course my response was amplified because I knew I was queer and wanted to keep that a secret. But I honestly don't think that was the cause.

@ShadowSister if I may, in service to understanding.
Those moments are not always pleasing, your reaction, is not so strange to me . We wrestle with many beasts within, it is the human struggle, to stay in charge of ourselves. I found relief, in surrender, carefully chosen moments, to fully release what lies within. I can only say it worked for me.

@SatyrService Hmm, it's interesting. I've gone all this time hating the idea of giving in, letting go, or dropping the fight. But it had a different feel when I read that word, "surrender" in your comment. You have it a completely different context, surrounding it with words like, "relief," "chosen," and "release." I understand that kind of surrender. I've done it for decades with spirituality. I have no problem surrendering my will of it make me a better person. So can't I surrender this fight also in order to be more authentic? For the very first time, I actually feel good about that idea.

@ShadowSister no not at all. I was only 18. He was at least 28 or more….
Ha ha ha …. I never could say anything except yes, fine thank you 🤣

@Mindful Aww. I hope you've had some good relationships since then.

@ShadowSister yes and since he would be around 65 I think I would be less intimidated.

@Straylight Thanks Stray. I sure hope so! I am so grateful for your support as you've seen me struggle my way through this.

@hartfire Yes, I have definitely been feeling this way for a very, very long time. My whole life. I've tried to find ties to my queer identity that caused this. That's the obvious explanation, after all.

I'm a girl who likes girls. Growing up in the '70s, there was no way I could admit that, even to myself. So yes, I think that being queer was the catalyst. But it wasn't the cause. I'm not the slightest bit ashamed of being attracted to girls. But I'm deathly afraid of letting any particular girl know I'm attracted to her. I never flirt or give any signs that I'm attracted to someone. And last night I finally uncovered the cause, that I feel like doing so shows weakness. And I hate feeling weak.

As for my parents, that's a good guess. But no, my parents were amazing. They're honestly the most loving parents I know. They were as close to perfect as parents can be.

@ShadowSister Hmm, fearing that making an approach shows weakness.
Does showing desire or attraction equate with "needy"? Neediness has been getting a bad wrap since about the '80s, but it really refires to someone who can never get enough.

There is a sense in which letting go of control is essential to intimate relationship.
When we love we become vulnerable to being hurt: rejected, controlled, smothered or perhaps criticized.
Success comes through building trust, trustworthiness, openness, empathy and intimacy - negotiating equality along the way.

My understanding of ⚢ relationships is that most start with flirtatious glances. You soon know if they reciprocate. The glances keep going until she comes over and says hello. It starts with conversation and exploration. If you keep that up, she's pretty sure to make an advance if she feels the same.

@hartfire Yes, exactly. And because of how I feel, I would never DARE give anyone flirtatious glances. There were even a few dates I went on with girls from Tinder where I refused to flirt. It wasn't conscious, as if I was thinking through it rationally. No, it was a deep sense of, "Oh hell no, I'm never going to do that," and I've had the darndest trouble figuring out why.

In fact, the way it played out for me was that I didn't even want to admit to myself why. I would have self-talk like, "I'm not going to flirt with her because I wouldn't want to subject her to someone like me." As if I was damaged goods. I've spent literally years trying to figure out where those feelings were coming from. Intellectually I don't think I'm damaged goods. So why this deep, intense refusal to ever admit attraction for someone?

So now I've come to think I was projecting my internal emotions onto others. I was terrified that if I allowed myself to feel attraction, I would lose control, and yet I still crave intimacy. So rather than acknowledge that I was scared of losing control, I developed the idea that people SHOULDN'T want me. I could tell myself I was not flirting with them for their sake, not because I had an issue.

The problem is not that it wasn't effective. It's that it was too effective. I'm good at sacrificing for other people's sake. It kept me from having to acknowledge the real reason why I'm scared of sexuality. It gave me a status quo that has kept me mostly content if disgruntled with being single.

And now I'm finally saying no more. I'm sick of not having intimacy with anyone. So I'm doing the hard work of confronting my own internal lies that have been keeping me trapped.

Thanks for your engagement on this post. It's been really helpful for me to have to unpack this more. I'm dismantling a coping mechanism that is literally decades old.

@HootyTheNightOwl Not that you're wrong. But can't you sorry of justify almost anything by comparing it to murder? But I mean, yeah, I don't think it's wrong.

@ShadowSister You can when it brings across the point that you're trying to make in your whole reply.

It sounds to me that you've been trying to avoid accepting the fact that you are attracted to women because of the stigma attached to being gay and I needed to get across the point that there's much worse things in life than just being attracted to people of the same sex as yourself.

I get it because I know that there are people who are forced to live their whole lives in the closet because their families won't accept that they are gay. In my own family, my brother spent his teenage years hanging out with a lesbian - yet, we were informed that we would be disowned if we ever came home and said that we were gay.

This started at around the time that I was finding out my own sexuality... and I'm not strictly straight - which I knew from around the same age as you were. Anyway, I spent my whole life living in the closet so that I won't be disowned by my own family.

I can never be my true self here because my family is of the belief that being attracted to people of the same gender is wrong - to the point where they will disown you for it.

Even at that age, I felt that there's worse things that I could be than being attracted to women. What if I had gone home and announced that I wanted to be a murderer when I grew up??? Was that more preferable to being gay???

Anyway, that left me pretty screwed up in the end and I never got a chance to explore that part of me in the years that my sexuality was forming. I pushed it down, and, even when I have had women express interest in me I tend to freeze up because of the effects that belief system has had on me.

I want to know who I am, but not at the price I'm having to pay for the fact that I got stuck in a domestic abuse situation and I can't get the support I have been asking for for the last nine years of my life - it's weird to think that family can disown you for being anything other than straight, yet leave you with no option but to run from them to escape domestic abuse.

@HootyTheNightOwl That's a lot you had to deal with. So you have a good relationship with your family now? Do they know you're not straight?

So my issue is a little different. I've actually been out of the closet for seven years. Far from fleeing from it, I actually revel in my identity. I have rainbow flags everywhere in my home. My coffee mugs are almost all gay. I'm wearing a Pride shirt right now. My family knows, and they have all been super accepting.

Except I haven't had a partner now for all those years. I thought that once I accepted that I am a girl who likes girls, I would have no problem living that way. After all, I spent my whole life idolizing them.

So what's my hangup? I haven't been able to get to the bottom of why I still have negative emotions around expressing attraction for a woman. I've been writing about it on SW since January trying to figure it out. My big breakthrough this week was recognizing that, while being queer may have been the catalyst, it wasn't the cause. The cause was fear of losing control.

Even now, admitting that I can attracted to a woman feels like defeat. Even admitting that I have the struggle feels like defeat. Like if I just tried a little harder, I could be more stoic.

If someone else hits on me, I'm okay with that. Since I've come out, I've had a few hookups or short-term relationships with women, and always because she made the first move. And that, despite the fact that I hadn't shown any interest in them. I don't flirt. I seal myself off from flirting because it feels like an emotional victory. So yes, being queer may have been the trigger for why I developed this pattern, but the pattern didn't go away when I accepted my queer identity. Does that make sense?

@ShadowSister am always here if you need to talk, pm me anytime. I may not get back to you right away but I promise to be there as a friend if you need one.

You are brave!
Good luck with this new path🤗

@cd4259 Thank you for the offer. I appreciate that very much.

@Furiosa Thank you. I hope I am able to move past my fears.

@ShadowSister She's my daughter in law, but i consider her my daughter after all we've been through the last 5 years. I just want her to find herself and be happy. My sin wants the same.

@Montanaman I wish her well.

@ShadowSister thank you. I wish you well, and more ❤️ 🤗🤗

@onewithshoes I know right?! That's exactly what I'm terrified of. It's not about who I'm attracted to. It's the danger of allowing myself to have any attractions. Look at how people's lives crash and burn! My difficulty accepting my attractions is not because I'm weak, it's because I'm strong. And hell if I'm going to let myself be blown around by my passions.

Except that I'm miserable living that way.

@Jinxie I sure hope so. I'm tired of living the way I have been.

@OogieBoogie 🤗❤🌈❤🤗

@OogieBoogie Yes, absolutely. You are spot on about it being conditioned. But it's not because of guilt. I have stopped feeling guilty for who I am a long time ago. It's not moral conditioning, like the feeling of cheating on my taxes. It's fear conditioning, like going skydiving and not wanting to jump from the airplane.