I Imagine My Future

I used to be able to easily imagine my future.

When I was young I imagined true love like I found in sentimental love songs and poems.
I never did find that love, only an abusers warped version of it.
Those songs and poems have a different sound to me now.

When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always answered "a mom". I truly meant that. I was going to be the mom I wished I had.
I came close.. But I found out I was pregnant two minutes before I was told I wasn't going to be anymore.
I wondered if I did something to cause a tubal pregnancy..
For two minutes I was a mom.. In my heart, I was. Briefly.

I imagined what I thought everyone deserved..
I never imagined an extravagant life, or material things..
I imagined what I naively thought was simple..
Happiness, peace, comfort, blah blah blah.
I guess I deserved something else.
I would never have imagined the loneliness, or the meaningless life I've lived.

I imagined such a wonderful life..
I imagined a life that was never meant to be.
Not for me, anyway.

I don't even have anyone to tell this to.
I don't have reason to fight. Or hope.
When I try to imagine my future now..
I see nothing.
Nothing at all.