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I Won't Allow My Future to Be Detroyed By My Past

If You Were To Kick The Person In The Ass That Is The Most Responsible For Your Dysfunction, You Would Never Be Able To Sit Down...
There is one game, which is impossible to win. It doesn’t matter how good at it you become or how much you practice… There can never be a winner when you play the blame game you cause yourself to be stuck at the threshold of your own purgatory. Before moving on, you have to clear away your old thoughts and behaviors. Life is what you make of it, and if you make yourself a victim… A victim is all you will ever be. Because the longer you blame someone else for your inability to function, the longer you will agonize in your own self-made purgatory. To be able to move on, you have to learn to forgive not only the people who have done you wrong, but mostly, you need to be able to forgive yourself. This is, by far, the hardest thing to realize.
DrMagoo
I cannot begin to to tell you how much truth your words carry. I walked in your shoes 8 years ago. And even though my story resonates a little differently than yours, the pain in my heart and my hopelessness were just as heavy on me. It made it very hard for me to "see the light". I felt stuck, and I was too attached to the "idea of us as a happy couple" to realize that HE was not happy with me and he was in turmoil about that. He had hurt me, cheated on me (with men!) and he and I were destroying each other slowly. I couldn't trust him again. We tried. and tried.....and tried..........until I was too feeble fight my own insecurities and trust issues. That pushed him even further away from me and he started feeling so trapped again, he ended up lying to me again. I was dying inside, I was someone I didn't recognize anymore. What had happened to the strong and independent woman I was so proud of??? Where has my hopes and dreams of founding a family gone????
Then one day I decoded to take a good look at what was left of my relationship and realized that I needed to let him go, I loved him still, but what good was that, knowing that I didn't love ,myself anymore....I too, needed to find myself again. I needed to set him free. I needed to learn to love myself again, before it was too late.
Since the breakup (as ugly and painful as it was...) we have both grown in all areas of our life. I have been able to take accountability for my wrongdoings and he was able to do the same. The fact that he is gay is just a small element in our story. We both know that. I realized I was in love with "the idea of a perfect him" not him. We both came with baggage and I never paid enough attention to our unresolved issues prior to dating him. I should have.
He and I are very close today. We have learned from our mistakes. He is a much better friend than he was a boyfriend. We laugh at this now.

Thank you for sharing this story. I see so much of myself in you. Which gives me great hope.
RockinRoxanneRussianRoulette

 
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