Woke up to a long text from a person I used to love deeply pouring their heart out to me, wanting to be the person they used to be to me.
But the damage is done. There’s no going back for me and that realization…that heaviness that comes with no longer catering to the needs of others is sticking around a bit more than I’d like.
While being a people pleaser brought me so much heartbreak and damage that’ll take years to repair, it was easy. …Natural. This, however, isn’t. It’s hard to sit with feeling nothing for someone when I used to feel everything for them. To no longer say yes even though the voice of reason within screamed no. And because of the reminder that I’m now bringing pain instead of love, the nothingness grows to the point where there’s a large rain cloud covering up the light trying to shine within.
I know I can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Or pretend to care for the sake of protecting the feelings of others. But I don’t like being punished simply because I refuse to be a doormat anymore. And yet, it’s a part of my sentence in the prison I’ll be sent to in the stories others will now shape about me. …and it’s like I can already feel the ripple effects sent out into the universe because of me making that decision.
Maybe I’ll try some music later. Or a breather in the fresh air. Perhaps some blueberry pancakes or a complete immersion into some lame trashy tv to shift my focus so I can salvage this precious day I don’t want to waste feeling like this. Because while being this person is what’s needed for a decent shot at the best life possible for myself, I can’t consistently punish myself for choosing my own happiness over the happiness of others who deliberately hurt me knowing the damage that was carried within their actions. I’m not that emotionally grow-up yet. Can’t wait for the day I am though. What a day that’ll be.
While being a people pleaser brought me so much heartbreak and damage that’ll take years to repair, it was easy. …Natural. This, however, isn’t. It’s hard to sit with feeling nothing for someone when I used to feel everything for them. To no longer say yes even though the voice of reason within screamed no. And because of the reminder that I’m now bringing pain instead of love, the nothingness grows to the point where there’s a large rain cloud covering up the light trying to shine within.
I know I can’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Or pretend to care for the sake of protecting the feelings of others. But I don’t like being punished simply because I refuse to be a doormat anymore. And yet, it’s a part of my sentence in the prison I’ll be sent to in the stories others will now shape about me. …and it’s like I can already feel the ripple effects sent out into the universe because of me making that decision.
Maybe I’ll try some music later. Or a breather in the fresh air. Perhaps some blueberry pancakes or a complete immersion into some lame trashy tv to shift my focus so I can salvage this precious day I don’t want to waste feeling like this. Because while being this person is what’s needed for a decent shot at the best life possible for myself, I can’t consistently punish myself for choosing my own happiness over the happiness of others who deliberately hurt me knowing the damage that was carried within their actions. I’m not that emotionally grow-up yet. Can’t wait for the day I am though. What a day that’ll be.
46-50, F
