I think its just me really only one to blame is me

I was a part of sports teams, military, marriage, and got too old for sports, was divorced, and then retired medically from all my injuries and surgeries from the injuries, and I retired to a farm where my son and daughter came to be raised by me. My son left going into the Army like I did, and my daughter went off to college. Lost my son to suicide and my daughter won't associate with me because of his life's path and ending.

So, solitude and wondering...

I came to the conclusion that it's easier to just be by myself, I've been let down or I've messed up too many times.
I'm now wondering if it was the right decision though 🤣

Socializing is very difficult for me so for a long time I just avoided it.

Getting 15 men off in one night.

I just don't have any time left for myself 😎

Religion

It's always life that pushes us into solitude. To combat which I get into newer stuff, so I can get into newer circles rather than wasting time on being accepted by older ones. Soon we become welcoming and entertaining and let more people engage with us.

OCD

Poverty and its consequent social exclusion is where this started for me, I guess, and siblings who were more abusive than cordial.

I was always a follower.. and unfortunately that led me high and dry.

you

interestingly I've never felt lonely in my life, though objectively I probably should have. Childhood was such a shitshow that being by myself is like a holiday lol

Having a disability that people can see. I sense that when people saw me, saw me as though I was shit underneath their shoes. It was not easy, I went through a lot which people tend to think light of it. Subjected to an Abusive sibling which indicated name-calling, and violence. A Mother that took all my disability allowance to fund her drinks, her ciggies, and paying off the enormous credit card debt instead of feeding me, and clothing me. What made me lonely was at the end of my mind. I am better off not getting involved with anyone, and accepting my solitude.

I don't think i am lonely, i am quite content being by myself. 🤔

I think it's a combination of factors. One is I'm physically not comfortable around people especially with my medical condition. Being an introvert made me thankfully prefer my own company. Life had always put me in situations where I'm isolated. I have a hard time finding like-minded people, honestly I find most people shallow and boring, I have been told I'm a deep person. It's debatable I developed as a defense mechanism.

I have tourettes. I have loud outburst and facial tics. I have no control of them. It makes going out and meeting new people a challenge.

A change in life styles ?????

When a child is physically abused - beaten - he withdraws emotionally. At least that was the case for me. It is a result of self-preservation and protection. And even when I put myself "out there" in reality it was allowing those to see only bits and pieces. All these many years later, I still prefer solitude over crowds. And also why I prefer being online. Online no one can really hurt me. Not in the way I was hurt growing up.

Seriously?
Moving every 3 year or more often, before internet and cell phones, making me lose all contact with my current friends.
I wemt to 3 different elementary schools (years 1 - 7) then moved so years 8-10 didn't have anyone I knew.


After a while I just gave up getting new friends cause I'd just end up losing them anyway.

Aside from my fiancee leaving me?