Fragile human

I had a dream last night.
It was a beautiful dream. I rarely have such dreams.
But I woke up - you know that moment when something really interesting is about to happen in your dream and you just wake up, all of a sudden? Yeah, it's happened to me quite a few times.

Soon as I woke up, the reality hit me.
And it was painful - so painful that when I closed my eyes again, I couldn't fall asleep again. I just kept thinking about the reality, and the dream I'd just had. My eyes welled up with tears, and I just let them roll down into my pillow.
I couldn't fall asleep again. I lay there for a while, and the pain in my heart was almost unbearable.

In that moment, I needed someone to be with me. Someone to just hold me for a little while until I snapped out of it.
But there was no one.
I got out of bed, took a shower and went off to train.
I was thinking I would come here and share my dream, and the sadness, and all the pain in my heart. I was going to name a few people, call out to some nice people that I've noticed here, and hope they'd have a word of comfort for me.
By noon I was feeling much better, and I decided not to do it.

[sep]

I have a very fragile heart, when it comes to love.
I can't take any more hurt or pain. It'll kill me.
It's the reason why I keep to myself most of the time.

What kind of life can one live without love?
What meaning does a loveless life have?

[sep]

I fell in love with a woman a couple of years ago.
We'd only ever spoke on a few occasions, but whenever we saw each other, there was a spark. I felt it in my heart.
She's around 15 years older than me. Single, unmarried.
She has a beautiful heart. A very nice and kind and sweet lady.
And she's beautiful on the outside too.

I couldn't be with her.
I knew that the first time I saw her.
She was too good for me. Deeply religious, and a mentor to thousands of people.
And I knew her family would never accept me had we become a couple.
My presence in her life, as her partner, would've caused a disaster. Her family would've banished her. Her church would've kicked her out. Her friends would've abandoned her. And all the people who idolised her would've spread rumors that would've destroyed everything she'd worked for.

I couldn't tell her how I felt about her.
That knowledge that someone had fallen for her, and loved her so deeply, would've been a burden in her heart.
If she didn't love me, it would've pained her to break my heart.
If she did love me, it would've pained her to accept it and do nothing, or reciprocate and ruin everything she had.

I told her friend.
And her friend told me, "Don't do it. You can't do this to her."
I agreed.

I faded away from her life.

She knows where to find me though.
In my heart, I couldn't live with the fact that I never gave her the chance.
So, if she ever wanted to look for me, she'd find me.
If she ever missed me, or wanted to reach out to me...

She hasn't.
Because she doesn't know.
She'll never know.

One of the most painful things in life, is to love someone, but never be able to tell them, or show them, or be with them.

[sep]

I take this pain as the sum of the wrongs that I've done.
It's the pain that ensured that a good person's life remained undisturbed.

And I hope that this pain will fade away, and that one day, someone will love me, and tell me, and show me, and be with me.
The chances of that happening are zero, but hey...

[sep]

Sometimes I feel fragile; I feel vulnerable.
I don't like it.
I don't like talking about myself, or my feelings.
This is my moment of weakness.

But I'm a strong man, or so I tell myself.
I'll power through it.