It’s a mercy you can’t feel this kind of grief. It is a luck. It is a blessing.
She blamed me. I was just a child. I should have been less so I wouldn't be chosen.
She hated me for protecting my siblings, for tearing us all apart to save them and save myself. For doing what she should have done as a mother.
For not dying. For living when others have died.
And still… I forgave her.
But the ache never leaves. It is here.
I forgive or I don't.
At least she got her peace.
How do I sit beside the dying body of someone who let me be fed to monsters,
and then said it was my fault? A mother who was my child. I didn't know any other way to love except loving her as a mother. An angry mother.
How do I reconcile that love with betrayal, care with the memory of cruelty.. With the constant reminders that I wasn't enough enough for her to fight for life.
I grieve her alone.
I grieve what I had to do.
I rage at her.
I ache for what should have been.
And somehow, I still stay. I only sit here like nothing can break me because I was already broken. And much of it I done it to myself fully aware. And maybe insane, but aware.
She hated me for protecting my siblings, for tearing us all apart to save them and save myself. For doing what she should have done as a mother.
For not dying. For living when others have died.
And still… I forgave her.
But the ache never leaves. It is here.
I forgive or I don't.
At least she got her peace.
How do I sit beside the dying body of someone who let me be fed to monsters,
and then said it was my fault? A mother who was my child. I didn't know any other way to love except loving her as a mother. An angry mother.
How do I reconcile that love with betrayal, care with the memory of cruelty.. With the constant reminders that I wasn't enough enough for her to fight for life.
I grieve her alone.
I grieve what I had to do.
I rage at her.
I ache for what should have been.
And somehow, I still stay. I only sit here like nothing can break me because I was already broken. And much of it I done it to myself fully aware. And maybe insane, but aware.
