Using this as a diary, I need to vent.
Not sure where else to put this but I need to let it out.
I've lived my life doing what my mom says and when I do something I know she wont approve I feel bad. When she finds out I get yelled at. Even now, at 25 I live my life with my mom in mind. I try not to come home too late or else she constantly asks me where I am and when I'll be home, even on holidays. If I'm going out after work I have to let her know. Once during a closing shift I got home at 10:20, technically my shift ends at 10:30 but I normally finish up fast and am home sooner. That night she asked me where I was and why I hadn't gotten home yet, as I was parking. I get most of the time she is scared something has happened to me but there was a time she threatened to lock me out of my house if I wasn't home before midnight.
Growing up was pretty much the same. I rarely asked her to go out with my friends because I was scared she would tell me no. She even made me call her while walking down the street from the bus stop to my house. My senior year of high school I went out with my boyfriend, she assumed we would be taking the bus but when she found out we walked she yelled at me til I turned around and went home.
At eight years old she started dating some loser who verbally abused the both of us. I'm sure he also hit my mom, I never saw it but would see bug bruises on her arm. Not too long after she had my first sister and then my second sister. I was not even 11 years old when she told me I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself when he called me names. He would say I was a loser and "you should go be with your dad, oh wait he left you." If I did stand up for myself he would storm off upset. I would get scolded by my mom because "If he leaves your sisters won't have a dad. Is that what you want?" I was too young to understand it was better to have no dad then a loser for a dad. All I knew was I wish I had one of my own so I couldn't do that to my sisters.
No one in my family likes this guy. Once when I was nine and still sharing a room with my mom my grandfather came in the room to scold her because this man had left his dirty dishes on the table. I got yelled at by my mom because she thought I had told my grandfather, when in reality it was my uncles who did.
Of course I still was a kid and gave attitude but for the most part I was a good kid. I never got in trouble at school, never ditched, got good grades, I wasn't a teen mom like my mom was, went to a university, and was even active in the church.
But my sisters? They're 14 and 16 now. The youngest has been suspended from school twice, once for getting into a fight and the second for running from her principal while being caught ditching. They both get passing grades, meaning C's and D's. With a couple of B's thrown in. When I was younger I asked my mom if I could wear makeup and was told no. The youngest has been allowed to wear makeup since 6th grade, and its not just light makeup. A full face of foundation, concealer, mascara, eyeliner, and lip gloss. The middle child back talks my mom all the time, tells her to shut up, and even refers to our mom by her first name. The youngest stays up til 2 AM talking to her friends on the phone. My mom lets them go out with their friends whenever they ask, even lets the middle child take the bus by herself. They're both constantly play fighting and making obnoxious noises. Even our grandmother has told my mom something about them being too loud. She just laughs it off and shushes them once. But if I drop something in my room my mom is immediately texting me asking what that noise is.
I went through a phase in my early 20s of going out and actually living my life for me. That's when my mom threatened to lock me out if I didn't make curfew. I then started sneaking out. I wasn't doing anything crazy honestly, I was just going out to a friends house. She caught me and yelled at my the rest of the night. She locked up my window, told me I wasn't allowed to open it or close my door anymore. I was nearly kicked out of the house. I was 23 at the time. Later that year I started dating someone. We had been dating for about six months when he had to leave for a work trip. When he came back I picked him up from the airport and slept over his house all weekend. I didn't tell my mom exactly where I was staying but I would update her everyday so she knew I was fine and if I'd be home that night or not. One night she asked if I was coming home or staying over another night, I said well if I can I'll stay another night and go home the next day. She then got upset with me and told me to I could be honest with her about where I was and she would always support me. So I told her, "I'm at __ house, we're going out to eat and then I'm going back to his house" She blew up my phone with texts saying I didn't need to lie to her about that and I had to come home that night, no more sleeping over. So much for support.
To this day I'm scared to even ask my mom if I can sleep over his house. But I'm so tired of being scared. I feel so bad every time he asks me to spend the night and I say no. And when I think back on growing up I get angry. I constantly wish I could go back to middle school when I had the least pressure and responsibility. I got to just be at school with my friends, we even joined a club so I could be with them more.
I try not to be home as often anymore, sometimes I miss my mom but when I'm home for too long I remember why I don't like being here.
I dread getting older. I get scared thinking about the day I might have kids. I don't know if I even want kids. The older I get I realize its almost time I should be having kids, biological clock or whatever. But I'm not ready and I don't know if I ever will be. I just want to go back in time and be a kid again. I wish I had more balls to stick up to my mom when I was younger.
I've lived my life doing what my mom says and when I do something I know she wont approve I feel bad. When she finds out I get yelled at. Even now, at 25 I live my life with my mom in mind. I try not to come home too late or else she constantly asks me where I am and when I'll be home, even on holidays. If I'm going out after work I have to let her know. Once during a closing shift I got home at 10:20, technically my shift ends at 10:30 but I normally finish up fast and am home sooner. That night she asked me where I was and why I hadn't gotten home yet, as I was parking. I get most of the time she is scared something has happened to me but there was a time she threatened to lock me out of my house if I wasn't home before midnight.
Growing up was pretty much the same. I rarely asked her to go out with my friends because I was scared she would tell me no. She even made me call her while walking down the street from the bus stop to my house. My senior year of high school I went out with my boyfriend, she assumed we would be taking the bus but when she found out we walked she yelled at me til I turned around and went home.
At eight years old she started dating some loser who verbally abused the both of us. I'm sure he also hit my mom, I never saw it but would see bug bruises on her arm. Not too long after she had my first sister and then my second sister. I was not even 11 years old when she told me I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself when he called me names. He would say I was a loser and "you should go be with your dad, oh wait he left you." If I did stand up for myself he would storm off upset. I would get scolded by my mom because "If he leaves your sisters won't have a dad. Is that what you want?" I was too young to understand it was better to have no dad then a loser for a dad. All I knew was I wish I had one of my own so I couldn't do that to my sisters.
No one in my family likes this guy. Once when I was nine and still sharing a room with my mom my grandfather came in the room to scold her because this man had left his dirty dishes on the table. I got yelled at by my mom because she thought I had told my grandfather, when in reality it was my uncles who did.
Of course I still was a kid and gave attitude but for the most part I was a good kid. I never got in trouble at school, never ditched, got good grades, I wasn't a teen mom like my mom was, went to a university, and was even active in the church.
But my sisters? They're 14 and 16 now. The youngest has been suspended from school twice, once for getting into a fight and the second for running from her principal while being caught ditching. They both get passing grades, meaning C's and D's. With a couple of B's thrown in. When I was younger I asked my mom if I could wear makeup and was told no. The youngest has been allowed to wear makeup since 6th grade, and its not just light makeup. A full face of foundation, concealer, mascara, eyeliner, and lip gloss. The middle child back talks my mom all the time, tells her to shut up, and even refers to our mom by her first name. The youngest stays up til 2 AM talking to her friends on the phone. My mom lets them go out with their friends whenever they ask, even lets the middle child take the bus by herself. They're both constantly play fighting and making obnoxious noises. Even our grandmother has told my mom something about them being too loud. She just laughs it off and shushes them once. But if I drop something in my room my mom is immediately texting me asking what that noise is.
I went through a phase in my early 20s of going out and actually living my life for me. That's when my mom threatened to lock me out if I didn't make curfew. I then started sneaking out. I wasn't doing anything crazy honestly, I was just going out to a friends house. She caught me and yelled at my the rest of the night. She locked up my window, told me I wasn't allowed to open it or close my door anymore. I was nearly kicked out of the house. I was 23 at the time. Later that year I started dating someone. We had been dating for about six months when he had to leave for a work trip. When he came back I picked him up from the airport and slept over his house all weekend. I didn't tell my mom exactly where I was staying but I would update her everyday so she knew I was fine and if I'd be home that night or not. One night she asked if I was coming home or staying over another night, I said well if I can I'll stay another night and go home the next day. She then got upset with me and told me to I could be honest with her about where I was and she would always support me. So I told her, "I'm at __ house, we're going out to eat and then I'm going back to his house" She blew up my phone with texts saying I didn't need to lie to her about that and I had to come home that night, no more sleeping over. So much for support.
To this day I'm scared to even ask my mom if I can sleep over his house. But I'm so tired of being scared. I feel so bad every time he asks me to spend the night and I say no. And when I think back on growing up I get angry. I constantly wish I could go back to middle school when I had the least pressure and responsibility. I got to just be at school with my friends, we even joined a club so I could be with them more.
I try not to be home as often anymore, sometimes I miss my mom but when I'm home for too long I remember why I don't like being here.
I dread getting older. I get scared thinking about the day I might have kids. I don't know if I even want kids. The older I get I realize its almost time I should be having kids, biological clock or whatever. But I'm not ready and I don't know if I ever will be. I just want to go back in time and be a kid again. I wish I had more balls to stick up to my mom when I was younger.
22-25, F
