This Should Have Been Sexy, but Instead I Regret It

I don't really want to post this. I debated not writing this at all. But I feel like it's important for me to get these feelings out.

A couple weeks ago I helped produce a women's festival in Michigan on the grounds of the old Michfest Land. Most attendees are lesbian, though not everyone. The energy of the group is amazing. I came back feeling refreshed and recharged. That part was amazing.


Here's the part I regret. There was an orgy space that was a five-minute walk away from the main festival grounds. No judgment on anyone who wanted to go, more power to them. But the thought of me attending felt yucky. I felt personally repulsed by the thought of me in that space.

One afternoon I attended a workshop on communication for relationships. It was held in the the community tent, not out in the sex space. But the workship was given by one of the organizers of the sex space. She did an amazing job. And after it was finished, I felt like I was being too judgmental with myself about the sex space.

So I decided to go to another workshop, this one held in the sex space itself. This next workshop was about consent and about rules of the space. There wasn't anything explicit happening during the workshop, it was just talking about the space itself. So I went. It made me feel a little more comfortable.

So I ended up attending the event that night for a few minutes. And then again then next night. Outside of a single pair of women who were using the space how it was intented, nothing much actually happened there. I had a lot of emotions about my decision to go.

I've spent this last week processing. One of my friends here tells me that I should be proud that I did it. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. That's a good thing, right?

I'm not so sure. The more I think about it, the yuckier I feel. I wish I wouldn't have gone. I wish I wouldn't have shown my face or let anyone know that I was interested. (Though I was interested.) And despite the fact that the organizer of the space explicitly told me I was welcome there, I feel like I did NOT belong there. Sure, she welcomed me...but I know that she shouldn't have.

*Sigh*

Feelings suck because they don't come with words attached. I'm on SW this year trying to find the words to describe those feelings. And then hopefully work through them.

So here is my current best effort to find the words. I hate sexuality because I hate how it makes me feel out-of-control. I hate the extreme vulnerability of sensuality. And I hate the way that sex is a tool to exploit and dehumanize people. I wish I didn't have a sexuality at all. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it go away.

Admitting this to myself has been incredibly difficult. It is so much easier to project those feelings onto other people. I find myself saying things like, "I don't deserve to be a sexual person," or, "I am gross and I wouldn't want to subject another person to my body."

I'm pretty sure that what I actually mean is, "I'm terrified of losing control, putting myself out there to be rejected, and running the risk of exploiting other people. So I would rather not express my sexuality in any way that any other human sees, ever."

But I don't know for sure that those are the right words. The feelings I'm trying to describe are never that explicit. They are more just a gut level YUCK feeling that make me want to retreat into a hole and never come out.