So like, I just watched this video of a dude getting killed on Instagram

Shit made my heart race because like, I've seen a lot of videos of people dying or being killed & idk it doesn't usually affect me that deeply but this one seemed closer to home I guess. Idk.

It just makes me think about the times that could've been me. I've been shot at a few times & the first time I was just a teenager & I was dumb. I didn't duck or hide I stood tall & yelled back at them like I was invincible. I wasn't invincible I was just lucky.
Then the next time I was older & simply just lucky again 🤷 the person I shot in return, survived so I never really had to deal with guilt or anything. I might've saved my life & nobody lost theirs so that's good I suppose.

But yeah idk, it feels different watching somebody get killed just sitting in their car not even paying attention.

Stuff like that is why I keep a gun concealed on me at all times. Even at home where I should be safe. It's on the counter while I shower. It's underneath me when I sleep. I always stay ready to defend myself & maybe thats because of trauma. I didn't really think about it until now.

I've had to defend myself before so when I'm unarmed I feel vulnerable & open. Not in an emotional way but in a "I might die" way.

To be clear I don't promote guns. I'm not one of those "oh everyone should be armed it's our right" & I'm not into the all the arguments about them. I'm just out here dealing with the cards I was dealt & idk... maybe I'm just saying it's kinda messed up that some people out there might feel like I do about it.

Like you literally fear that somebody can kill you or at least try to at any moment & that's a messed up way to think