If you aren’t happy single. You won’t be happy while dating. Happiness comes from drugs, not relationships
Throwback to when I wrote my college app essay about how much I hate odd numbersIf that doesn’t scream “I have crippling OCD,” I don’t know what does.
“You should treat the janitor the same way you would treat the CEO”First of all, I would never guillotine the janitor
Me unconsciously insulting myself, and then remembering my therapist said I can’t be mean to myself anymore
Culinary students be like “I got spaghetti due at 11:59”I had a friend who had to make a croquembouche for her midterm, which I’m pretty sure could cause my furniture to levitate if I manage to pronounce it correctly.
Some people can’t be saved by touching grass anymoreLike at this point touching the radioactive eating moss at Chernobyl and praying it absorbs their vibes might be the their only hope.
For the past 7 years of my life I used “we can’t let the Queen outlive us” as an anti-suicide gimmickQuick, somebody name someone I can use in replacement!
You ever meet someone incapable of multitasking when they’re on the phone or texting?They legitimately freeze in time until they hit send on that text. Shit makes me unreasonably angry.
There’s a drawer in my desk that contains a bottle of xanax, a clip point knife, Metamorphosis by Kafka, and a flask with god knows what insideI honestly think that if you put my entire life in a single drawer, that would be it.
Teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you like he invested fishing and you’re an idiot
I am so incredibly sleep deprived that I just walked into a wall and proceeded to apologize to itComedowns are no fun let me tell you
I’ve been laughing at the word icicle for the past 10 minutes, I have no idea what’s going on right now2cb is the love of my life 💕
I’m too depressed to take pics and prove that I’m still hot and sexy, you guys are just gonna have to believe me