I Am Depressed More Than People Realize
I just feel sad. I don't see anything pretty in my future or even in my present anymore. I don't know where I'm heading. It's painfully lonely in here I want to cry every time I think about it I have absolutely no friends in offline life, my only friend that I always complained about left the country and even going out alone isn't as easy anymore due to my health always deteriorating plus it makes me feel more alone.
There's people whom used to be friends that I sort of made back in college but I been pushing them away because I don't trust them enough to be open with them about what happens in my life and also some aspects they just don't get like how I don't go out at night in winters they don't get that my illness keeps changing my life either so I guess seeing any of them would be just unfair for everyone involved.
Did I mention that I have no idea how to make new friends in offline life? Seriously it's pathetic. The only person I like going out with is my little sister and she is getting busy with her school and stuff lately. There's also my other sister, we go to places with her car from time to time. Or when I go out with my family to a mall or something which happens like 5-7 times a year. That's it.
I'm really not living my age like at all I never did! Even back in middle school, everyone was like starting to know girls and stuff while I was stuck trying to figure out what the hell am I supposed to do with myself or my life after starting to adapt with having to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. Even the teachers treated me differently, I will never forget how this specific teacher would joke with everyone in my grade except me so he won't "hurt my feelings". I feel that every stage of my life fukd me up more than the one before it. I never felt truly happy there was always something missing there's still a lot missing. I'm like a V12 BMW that's running on one cylinder and on limp mode! From the outside people think I have a life but from the inside there's nothing left. I'm not exactly sure how to process all of this mess anymore. I'm just tired. And I don't know if I should blame my luck or my illness or my fears or what exactly.
There's people whom used to be friends that I sort of made back in college but I been pushing them away because I don't trust them enough to be open with them about what happens in my life and also some aspects they just don't get like how I don't go out at night in winters they don't get that my illness keeps changing my life either so I guess seeing any of them would be just unfair for everyone involved.
Did I mention that I have no idea how to make new friends in offline life? Seriously it's pathetic. The only person I like going out with is my little sister and she is getting busy with her school and stuff lately. There's also my other sister, we go to places with her car from time to time. Or when I go out with my family to a mall or something which happens like 5-7 times a year. That's it.
I'm really not living my age like at all I never did! Even back in middle school, everyone was like starting to know girls and stuff while I was stuck trying to figure out what the hell am I supposed to do with myself or my life after starting to adapt with having to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. Even the teachers treated me differently, I will never forget how this specific teacher would joke with everyone in my grade except me so he won't "hurt my feelings". I feel that every stage of my life fukd me up more than the one before it. I never felt truly happy there was always something missing there's still a lot missing. I'm like a V12 BMW that's running on one cylinder and on limp mode! From the outside people think I have a life but from the inside there's nothing left. I'm not exactly sure how to process all of this mess anymore. I'm just tired. And I don't know if I should blame my luck or my illness or my fears or what exactly.
26-30
