I Am Alone And I Am Lonely
Im lonely, yet I am surrounded by loving people who care about me. I see and talk to the people I love most everyday, yet I feel numb in my heart. We see each other often, but I dont think they can see me, we talk, but I dont think they can hear me. No one has ever asked me about my life, what it feels like to be me, how I am..TRULY how I am..
Sometimes I come so close to saying it, so much that my heart pounds and my mouth opens, but fear closes the part of my soul trying to reach out. I love them to bits, so much so that it hurts, but why can't I just tell them? They tell me about their troubles and I console them, but by this stage in my life I have come to terms with the fact that I am (and possibly always will be) that person who helps others. That "gift" from god who will save the lives of others in so many ways, but what about me? I guess im just the broken "life-saver".
Sometimes I dont even feel like I have sad things to talk about, sometimes I wish to speak about my day, or who I met, who express my passion with someone. That way I can really show people who I am without them assuming im shy with no personality.
When I was a kid, before I began school, I was so shy that people thought I must have been mute or deaf. I could talk to my family, but anyone else received the silent treatment of a lifetime. Eventually I went to a speech therapist and he helped me overcome my social fears but in many ways it affected my life today. Not taking to anyone for the first 5 years of my life made me grow a dangerously close relationship with "worthlessness" and anxiety. But, although my parents would disagree, something good came out of this time in my life. I learnt how to listen. Yes, I understand most people have 2 ears and have this ability, but im not talking about being able to hear, I mean LISTENING. I used to watch people, and learnt how to understand what they were feeling or doing without actually asking. I was able to see situations and understand everything about it. It made me become strong in some way, strong enough today that I am able to help people even though I need help myself. Theres another flaw from it I guess, I always put my issues aside.
Maybe one day ill find a Prince Charming and he'll be the first person I ever tell my story to, or maybe ill die with these thoughts. Loneliness kills, and not just into death, it corrodes our soul.
Sometimes I come so close to saying it, so much that my heart pounds and my mouth opens, but fear closes the part of my soul trying to reach out. I love them to bits, so much so that it hurts, but why can't I just tell them? They tell me about their troubles and I console them, but by this stage in my life I have come to terms with the fact that I am (and possibly always will be) that person who helps others. That "gift" from god who will save the lives of others in so many ways, but what about me? I guess im just the broken "life-saver".
Sometimes I dont even feel like I have sad things to talk about, sometimes I wish to speak about my day, or who I met, who express my passion with someone. That way I can really show people who I am without them assuming im shy with no personality.
When I was a kid, before I began school, I was so shy that people thought I must have been mute or deaf. I could talk to my family, but anyone else received the silent treatment of a lifetime. Eventually I went to a speech therapist and he helped me overcome my social fears but in many ways it affected my life today. Not taking to anyone for the first 5 years of my life made me grow a dangerously close relationship with "worthlessness" and anxiety. But, although my parents would disagree, something good came out of this time in my life. I learnt how to listen. Yes, I understand most people have 2 ears and have this ability, but im not talking about being able to hear, I mean LISTENING. I used to watch people, and learnt how to understand what they were feeling or doing without actually asking. I was able to see situations and understand everything about it. It made me become strong in some way, strong enough today that I am able to help people even though I need help myself. Theres another flaw from it I guess, I always put my issues aside.
Maybe one day ill find a Prince Charming and he'll be the first person I ever tell my story to, or maybe ill die with these thoughts. Loneliness kills, and not just into death, it corrodes our soul.
22-25, F
