I Am Me
Sometimes you just have to embrace your flaws. I wouldn't say that I'm at the point where I can "laugh at myself" just yet. But I can definitely lightly smirk at my old self, slipping into my new life to say hello from time to time.
As a matter of fact, she popped in yesterday when I was still feeling the rejection from the breakup. Old-me is so cunning, I do have to give her credit for that. Just lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to jump back into my life at some of the most inopportune times.
Well, I had a book club yesterday, and as most book clubs go, the first three quarters were very productive, but one of the member's had made sangria, and that started kicking in at the end and the book discussion was toast, to say the least. Our conversation devolved from the initial talk of politics and self-identity to that of the cliche circle of women discussing relationships with men... more specifically, [i]MY[/i] relationships with men.
Naturally, all of the women present (mostly single, and mostly inebriated) began giving me life-advice about my single-dom, and how my last relationship didn't work out because he was no good and he was playing games with me. I'm not saying that they're wrong. I'll never know because the relationship ended so quickly. But what I do know is that all of that talk about him made me miss him more.
Under the influence of the richly colored and fruity sangria and sentimental regret, I began boldly typing away at the keyboard of my cell phone. I wrote the most vulgar and provocative text that I could manage while operating on less than a sufficient amount of brain cells, then pressed send.
Immediately I cringed.
We had just left things so well the day before. It was such a beautiful goodbye. But of course, sloppy old me had to lurk out of the shadows and talk about how much she wanted to jump his bones via text. So messy.
Long story short, he didn't respond. Perhaps those are the last words I will send, and that is how we will say goodbye. Maybe I'm not capable of beautiful endings within relationships? I hold on too long until they become spoiled, stinking things.
I suppose that's what makes it easier to walk away from them in the end.
It's hard to leave something beautiful.
As a matter of fact, she popped in yesterday when I was still feeling the rejection from the breakup. Old-me is so cunning, I do have to give her credit for that. Just lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to jump back into my life at some of the most inopportune times.
Well, I had a book club yesterday, and as most book clubs go, the first three quarters were very productive, but one of the member's had made sangria, and that started kicking in at the end and the book discussion was toast, to say the least. Our conversation devolved from the initial talk of politics and self-identity to that of the cliche circle of women discussing relationships with men... more specifically, [i]MY[/i] relationships with men.
Naturally, all of the women present (mostly single, and mostly inebriated) began giving me life-advice about my single-dom, and how my last relationship didn't work out because he was no good and he was playing games with me. I'm not saying that they're wrong. I'll never know because the relationship ended so quickly. But what I do know is that all of that talk about him made me miss him more.
Under the influence of the richly colored and fruity sangria and sentimental regret, I began boldly typing away at the keyboard of my cell phone. I wrote the most vulgar and provocative text that I could manage while operating on less than a sufficient amount of brain cells, then pressed send.
Immediately I cringed.
We had just left things so well the day before. It was such a beautiful goodbye. But of course, sloppy old me had to lurk out of the shadows and talk about how much she wanted to jump his bones via text. So messy.
Long story short, he didn't respond. Perhaps those are the last words I will send, and that is how we will say goodbye. Maybe I'm not capable of beautiful endings within relationships? I hold on too long until they become spoiled, stinking things.
I suppose that's what makes it easier to walk away from them in the end.
It's hard to leave something beautiful.
31-35, F
