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I Wont Drown Myself In Pain Anymore

Why? It’s so addicting to pity myself and drow into sadness . It’s so satisfying. Is it normal? I don’t think so. But I do it . I had drown in river once it was near death experience I really thought okay, let’s just give up give up . But I was saved I’m lucky . I think back it’s like weed I come back in good mood sink back into that situation as I imagine . So here’s what I think: I drown, drown, drown, drown, drown slowly, very slow. I lose conscious little by little time feels like stopped , I can’t hear anymore, I can’t think anymore, I felt free, I was finally at ease I was losing conscious I become free and free.

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PhoenixPhail · M

I've fallen into the same addiction - pitying myself and drowning in sadness. It's not natural, but it became "normal," for ME a long time ago. And, there IS a kind of deliciousness about it, which I know has to do with addiction.

Historically, I was not attended to in loving and compassionate ways. The essence of vital connection was not realized through my living with my parents. For whatever reasons, they didn't know how to do that.

Evidentially, to satisfy the hunger and need for loving connection, I found the attention I needed through voicing my complaints to people who WOULD connect with me spiritually, lovingly. So, it was through self pity and complaining that I was [i]able[/i] to find connection with people. Since it was the only way I COULD find that connection which filled that love-me-recognize-me-validate-me-care-for-me connection, the practice quickly became habitual.

Just knowing the mechanics of how my survival strategy came about, puts cracks in that system, readying it for disassembly.

I AM operating differently these days. However, that old survival system is so well ingrained and has so much momentum behind it, it still send me invitations to return to it. I find if I don't remain vigilant in recognizing my own value and self-acceptance, it will draw me back in.

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