I Battle Depression and Anxiety
I've lived with depression and anxiety for a large portion of my 22 years on this Earth. It's a constant battle, that has left scars on my skin and soul. Crippling me some days, a debilitating curse.
Medications were thrust at me from a young age, trying to temporarily "fix" me. I eventually stopped taking them, and started self medicating with marijuana for years. Quitting twice, when I got pregnant with my Son in 2015 and again now that I'm pregnant with my 2nd Son.
I resent the words "get over it" and "it's all in your head". It's like people believe I want to live this way. I dropped out of High School because I couldn't get myself out of bed to join those hundereds of kids. I dreaded it. Talking myself into getting out of the car for 30 minutes to get groceries is a hassle I wish I didn't have to do. Panic attacks in social setting or thinking of my future are not something I was to continue to deal with. I'm terrified of my kods thinking less of me when they grow up because their Mom is "weird", or them inheriting my illnesses through my genes.
On Wednesdays, I sit on the black leather couch in my Therapists office, talking about the previous week and the things I'm scared of. She has been a blessing recently, as I'm unmedicated and lost my best friend. A few months ago, I lost my Service Dog, a gift from my Husband, when an unleashed dog attacked him, chasing him into the street, as I held my Son and screamed for the cars to stop. They only did once his lifeless body lay in the street. I've sunken deeper into my illnesses since then.
I look forward to the birth of my second Son though, because I will start electronic medication administration, hopefully rewiring my brain so I can live a more normal life. It's a risk, but I'm willing to take it. This life is so lonely, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
Medications were thrust at me from a young age, trying to temporarily "fix" me. I eventually stopped taking them, and started self medicating with marijuana for years. Quitting twice, when I got pregnant with my Son in 2015 and again now that I'm pregnant with my 2nd Son.
I resent the words "get over it" and "it's all in your head". It's like people believe I want to live this way. I dropped out of High School because I couldn't get myself out of bed to join those hundereds of kids. I dreaded it. Talking myself into getting out of the car for 30 minutes to get groceries is a hassle I wish I didn't have to do. Panic attacks in social setting or thinking of my future are not something I was to continue to deal with. I'm terrified of my kods thinking less of me when they grow up because their Mom is "weird", or them inheriting my illnesses through my genes.
On Wednesdays, I sit on the black leather couch in my Therapists office, talking about the previous week and the things I'm scared of. She has been a blessing recently, as I'm unmedicated and lost my best friend. A few months ago, I lost my Service Dog, a gift from my Husband, when an unleashed dog attacked him, chasing him into the street, as I held my Son and screamed for the cars to stop. They only did once his lifeless body lay in the street. I've sunken deeper into my illnesses since then.
I look forward to the birth of my second Son though, because I will start electronic medication administration, hopefully rewiring my brain so I can live a more normal life. It's a risk, but I'm willing to take it. This life is so lonely, and I don't want to hurt anymore.
