I Have Anxiety
(This is for mental health awareness month)
Living With Anxiety
My entire life, I’ve been an anxious person. I always thought it was normal to feel nervous over leaving the house, going to school, etc. My parents, teachers, and other adults never said anything about my constant state of anxiety so I grew to believe that everybody felt that way. Turns out, it’s not normal to be scared of everything.
As I got older, I found more and more things to be scared of. My mind became more creative and problems more prevalent. Whether it was going into a gas station or simply shopping at the grocery store, I never felt fine. My mind would race and I thought of every single thing that could go wrong. I would get this sense of uncontrollable fear that came over me. I felt like everything was out of my control and that something bad was going to happen.
Physically, anxiety is almost painful. I get this pressure and tightness in my chest and sharp pain in my collar bones, ribs, and neck. I have this choking sensation and my mouth feels like cotton. My hands get sweaty and shaky. It feels similar to what many describe heart attacks as. Things in my everyday life can feel so overwhelming that I have a panic attack or it’s simply unprovoked.
I’ve developed coping mechanisms over the years. It helps to distract me when I’m in an anxious state but it never solves my problems. I pick at my skin until I bleed or I’ll just start screaming during panic attacks. But in everyday life, I still have to do certain things so I can get through my day. I have to check to see if I locked my door 4-5 times before I leave my house. I have to make sure I turned the stove off even though I never cook. I have to check on my dogs several times before I can get out the door. If I don’t, I freak out. I feel this sense of hopelessness that comes over me and I feel like something bad will happen.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and chronic depression when I was 13. Although the diagnosis didn’t do much because I refused to treat it for almost three years. Shortly after a suicide attempt, I began taking antidepressants in summer of 2017. Antidepressants helped me feel whole again but they did nothing for my anxiety. If anything, they upset me more. I had motivation to do things but I felt too anxious to go anywhere.
Somewhere around September, I began taking beta blockers for my anxiety. I’ve found that they help, but they can’t cure it. Even if I’m not having an anxiety attack, I still feel anxious. It’s not something that comes and goes, it’s always there. Medication only helps lessen panic attacks, it doesn’t solve my racing thoughts and impulses.
Recently, I was diagnosed with OCD and I’m currently working on treating that. I hope that eventually I will be in a better place with my mental illness. My psychiatrist is changing my medications right now and I’m hopeful that it is going to help.
Lately, as someone with a mental illness, please DO NOT watch 13 Reasons Why. That show was extremely triggering to me and I believe it is one of the factors that lead to my suicide attempt. The show glorifies mental illness/suicide in some of the worst ways possible. Season 2 is coming out this month and I strongly advise people not to give any money to them. They are making money off of the romanticization of suicide and mental illness.
If you think you are suffering from a mental illness, please go see a doctor. Leaving mental illness undiagnosed can do so much damage. I’ve ruined many relationships due to my mental illness and had my education suffer. It is so much better to be safe than sorry when it comes to mental health.
Suicide hotline: 800-273-8255
Living With Anxiety
My entire life, I’ve been an anxious person. I always thought it was normal to feel nervous over leaving the house, going to school, etc. My parents, teachers, and other adults never said anything about my constant state of anxiety so I grew to believe that everybody felt that way. Turns out, it’s not normal to be scared of everything.
As I got older, I found more and more things to be scared of. My mind became more creative and problems more prevalent. Whether it was going into a gas station or simply shopping at the grocery store, I never felt fine. My mind would race and I thought of every single thing that could go wrong. I would get this sense of uncontrollable fear that came over me. I felt like everything was out of my control and that something bad was going to happen.
Physically, anxiety is almost painful. I get this pressure and tightness in my chest and sharp pain in my collar bones, ribs, and neck. I have this choking sensation and my mouth feels like cotton. My hands get sweaty and shaky. It feels similar to what many describe heart attacks as. Things in my everyday life can feel so overwhelming that I have a panic attack or it’s simply unprovoked.
I’ve developed coping mechanisms over the years. It helps to distract me when I’m in an anxious state but it never solves my problems. I pick at my skin until I bleed or I’ll just start screaming during panic attacks. But in everyday life, I still have to do certain things so I can get through my day. I have to check to see if I locked my door 4-5 times before I leave my house. I have to make sure I turned the stove off even though I never cook. I have to check on my dogs several times before I can get out the door. If I don’t, I freak out. I feel this sense of hopelessness that comes over me and I feel like something bad will happen.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and chronic depression when I was 13. Although the diagnosis didn’t do much because I refused to treat it for almost three years. Shortly after a suicide attempt, I began taking antidepressants in summer of 2017. Antidepressants helped me feel whole again but they did nothing for my anxiety. If anything, they upset me more. I had motivation to do things but I felt too anxious to go anywhere.
Somewhere around September, I began taking beta blockers for my anxiety. I’ve found that they help, but they can’t cure it. Even if I’m not having an anxiety attack, I still feel anxious. It’s not something that comes and goes, it’s always there. Medication only helps lessen panic attacks, it doesn’t solve my racing thoughts and impulses.
Recently, I was diagnosed with OCD and I’m currently working on treating that. I hope that eventually I will be in a better place with my mental illness. My psychiatrist is changing my medications right now and I’m hopeful that it is going to help.
Lately, as someone with a mental illness, please DO NOT watch 13 Reasons Why. That show was extremely triggering to me and I believe it is one of the factors that lead to my suicide attempt. The show glorifies mental illness/suicide in some of the worst ways possible. Season 2 is coming out this month and I strongly advise people not to give any money to them. They are making money off of the romanticization of suicide and mental illness.
If you think you are suffering from a mental illness, please go see a doctor. Leaving mental illness undiagnosed can do so much damage. I’ve ruined many relationships due to my mental illness and had my education suffer. It is so much better to be safe than sorry when it comes to mental health.
Suicide hotline: 800-273-8255
