I Am a Closeted Gay

I just can't believe that at 35 I'm still in the closet. How much more numb can my limbs be from being squeezed into this area? Just one person knows that I am gay, or I should say I came out to them and that is my best friend. She said that she was so proud of me and would stand behind me 100%. Well at least that's one person who'll have my back. But I don't know if I'll be able to tell my family. I am extremely close to my family and I cherish them in my life. If I'd ever lose them I don't know what I'd do. They aren't homophobes but it's always a different situation when it hits close to home. But I think they'll be ok with it but I'm not sure yet if I can take the chance. I think they know and others do for that matter. I mean I'm not the flamboyant type of person and I am a huge sports fan, but I am emotional and I've been told that I am a sweet, nice and kind guy. So I think that people do think that I am. Back in 7th grade I had a kid tell me he thought that I was gay, Back then being gay wasn't like it was now. You'd get gay bashed, insulted and isolated. So I always said that I wasn't out of fear and the fact that I believed that I was straight. It didn't change until High School when the quarterback of the football team had a smile that could melt my insides. I then realized that I wasn't completely straight. It took me sometime to confront myself to realize I'm not straight at all but gay. The funniest thing was that growing up I always thought I wanted to get married and have kids. I never said that I wanted a wife. As I got older I realized that and there was a reason for that, I didn't want a woman. I wanted a husband. Sorry for the rambling but I needed to let out what I was thinking. Thanks to a good friend that I met on here, I've become more and more comfortable in being my self and not giving a shit to what others think of me. I'm gay and I'm happy with that and the person that I am. I may not come out draped in a rainbow flag waving in my hand but I will tell you if you have the decency to ask me with respect.

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smoothbbbottom

I want say this to every closeted gay out there- get the fuck out of the closet. Yes I know it's tough. Yes I know your family might not accept you. My mother had an exorcism performed on me! I felt ashamed, hated myself for not being "normal", feared for my life (this was back in the 1970's), and thought that no one would ever love me or accept me.

When I was 28, I tried to kill myself by taking a bunch of pills. When I woke up in the hospital, my parents were crying. My Dad said he'd rather have a gay son than a dead son. I knew he meant well and it took a lot for him to say that. But it pissed me off! I thought to myself, Fuck You! And Fuck You to everyone who made fun of me, made me feel ashamed, etc.

I realized that I am who I am and that I was going to live my one and only life the way I want! I was not going to act a certain way to make others feel comfortable. If you don't like me, then that's your damn loss. If someone has a problem with me being gay, then it is just that- their fucking problem and not mine .

So quit your whining and crying, pissing and moaning. Get off your ass and go live your life with no regrets. Have all the sex you can get! Yes I know it's hard and complicated, but you are the only person who can make yourself happy.

Soon after I changed my attitude towards my life, I found a wonderful man who I have been with for 23 years. We love each other very much. And we have an open relationship because we like it that way. He is 58 now and has health problems which have killed his libido. He has no interest in sex anymore. But he knows I still need it and he has no problem with me finding it elsewhere. I will never leave my partner and I never bring anyone into our home. He wouldn't care if I did, I just don't out of respect for him.

If anyone who is still in the closet wants to talk, let me know. I'll be glad to help in any way. Oh, and by the way, yes everyone already knows you are gay. They are just waiting for you to tell them that it's okay for them to know.

friendlyboy1234

<p>I am 34 year old male who is attracted to other men. I don't want to be gay because I am not really into the gay culture. I am closeted because there seems to only be two ways of being yourself: closeted or out and proud. I want to be somewhere in the middle. I am just afraid there is no middle ground for other people.</p>

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smoothbbbottom

Being gay has nothing to do with the gay culture or going to gay bars. I don't do that either. I did when I was young, but I realized how shallow that world is. As long as you are willing to hide who you are, then you have not accepted yourself. So how can you ask others to? I have a boss who is 45 and single and gay. But he has never said anything to anyone. He does not like you asking any personal questions and will get mad at you. A simple how was your weekend? or going somewhere on your vacation? causes an uncomfortable glare from him. Do you think anybody bothers to warn you about this? Hell no. And since I am out and talk about my partner like everyone else does about their spouses, he gets uncomfortable and takes it out on me. Everyone else I work with freely accepts me as I am. Some have religious beliefs that are different, but we all treat each other with respect. In fact, they were hoping I would drive my boss out of the closet. They said we wish he would just come out already and talk to us like a normal person. He's so stressed keeping up his wall that he is unpleasant to be around. Again, everyone already knows you are gay. Just because you aren't a swishy bitchy queen doesn't mean you don't give off clues. Get over it so you can be happy and make those around you happy too. Believe me, they are tired of dancing around the subject!!!!!

patriotsrule1203 · 41-45, M

I can relate to your boss. I think people know about me as well, I just don't feel the need to have to announce it to the world. If someone would come outright out and ask me I'd tell them the truth, hells yeah

smoothbbbottom

If you would tell them the truth, then you are being open and true to yourself. Coming out isn't about making a big announcement. It's about being honest with yourself and others. That's exactly how I came out. You are not like my boss. He's been asked before and he evaded the question.

1sight

For me, it's all about accepting your feelings and yourself first. You sound like a great guy and have some great support around you. This is you life and your experience. Forget about doing it it "right". I say get right with you and watch what roads open up for you. Thanks for your post man.

runtom

I can really identify with all of your story.
Coming out is more of a journey rather than an event. For me I'm just trying to live every day as best I can, which can be difficult as a married man and gay. 35 is not too old to still be in the closet.
Look after yourself.

bas001

This is a very thoughtful and emotionally mature post. I hope you find the courage to come out and live openly. You're still a young guy. Maybe you should consider coming out to your family. Best to you.

patriotsrule1203 · 41-45, M

Thanks for the compliment. I do plan on coming out to my family. I don't want a big coming out scene though, that's not who I am. I'm very private and don't see broadcasting my life around. I don't even have a face book account lol.

dukelostboy25

When I was young (before I 'knew' I was Gay) whenever I imagined myself getting married and having kids, I always imagined myself cheating on my wife with a man.

Endomorph

Your post is one of the best I have ever seen on the subject.

patriotsrule1203 · 41-45, M

Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

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