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I Have Anger Issues

Is an understatement. It is the source of my depression and the reason I am being held back from accomplishing things I really want to do. Growing up, I witnessed violence between my parents, was subject to verbal abuse, as was my sister. My mom, bless her heart, was the one on the recieving end of my father's outburts. All of my childhood memories are filled with anxiety and feeling helpless, helpless because I was to small and weak to do anything to stop what was going on. My parents finally divorced after my mom was hurt badly with a broken leg, she left him and took my sister and I to live with my grandparents, who then helped raise us. As I grew older I suppressed the feelings of despair and managed to go on. Everything was fine until I got into my teens. Out of the blue I was constantly fighting off violent thoughts. The intrusive nature of them became overwhelming and I began giving into them without realizing that it would cause my first downward spiral into pychosis. And a couple of years later my second psychotic break, complete depersonalization and derealization plagued me for weeks at a time. It was the worst experience I've ever had on par with seeing my mom beaten. The experience finally convinced me to start and stay on steady medication which has relieved the symptoms of the break to the point where I can function most days now. The only thing left is the anger. I don't know how to let it go. I've done everything within my power to rid myself of it, but I still feel broken. As if deep down, somewhere within me is this being that has my soul in in a deathgrip and won't let go. I pray that it would leave but it always resurfaces. I share this here but it will not matter. My father i've forgiven, but i'm still left to live with this demon. If i'm never healed of this I guess it is ok. I will carry it until it leaves or kills me.
It is good to talk about it to people who can relate. I been through similar situation only it was my mother and then step mom. It took a lot of time, forgiveness and prayer but it got much better finally.
ChiRho · 26-30, M
@IndianaJoes Sorry you had to go through it too my friend. It does help to talk. I haven't lost hope that I won't be free of it, it is just painful to deal with
Prayer and faith is the #1 thing that got me thru it. Reading many books and studying other peoples situations to try to understand the things better also was probably the #2 thing that helped a lot. I'm off the medications and dealing with PTSD from it all. Your being able to forgive is huge. Unfortunately being able to forget is impossible to me. Wish it weren't so. You mentioned prayer and forgiveness. Don't give that up. It tells me that you are on the down hill And it will get better.
sillysweetgirl · 26-30, F
Maybe one day you'll find something or someone you can loose yourself in. Be able to fully heal some how because of it. Where you'll feel ready to let go. Just don't give up on yourself or the things you love
ChiRho · 26-30, M
Yes, i’m hoping that day comes soon. It would be nice to find lasting peace on the inside. Thank you for your encouragement, I appreciate it ☺️ @sillysweetgirl
sillysweetgirl · 26-30, F
Anytime. I'm always around
Peppa · 31-35, F
Exercise is an amazing way to let it all out... or go somewhere and scream...
Like a forest or something...
Peppa · 31-35, F
@ChiRho ohwell, if you lose your voice it's for good reason. And it will give you a chance to 'rest'
ChiRho · 26-30, M
Definitely could use the rest. Thanks for the suggestion, deeply appreciated.
Peppa · 31-35, F
@ChiRho your welcome. Good luck
lakergoy · 36-40, M
The rage you have built up can snap at an unexpected time if you don't release it
lakergoy · 36-40, M
Start hitting the heavy bag... Over and over......

 
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