I Have No Problem With Interacial Relationships

I am in a relationship with a black man, I have wanted this for a very long time. He can be very wonderful, everything I have ever wanted in a man. He is affectionate, willing to do what we need to do to make it work,and says he is willing to change himself for the better. However I am not blind to the red flags that accompany all these wonderful traits he possesses. He is co-dependent, has a low sef-esteem and abandonment issues. Of course he does not admit to any of this and I don't tell him what I see because I feel like if you see these things about yourself it instills real change or at least a place to start for change. His behavior clearly displays all these things that I see in him. He is controlling but not as bad as he was initially and he did quit drinking the hard liquor. He is taking steps now to work on his codependency, I know change is a long arduous process and not everyone is as eager as I was to change, to change my thoughts, my feelings, to change my life and take control of my life. I was so miserable for so long, I was so eager to get out of the hole I lived in all my life. He talks a good game but when I think back, no one really knew how miserable I truly was, no one knew when I tried to commit suicide, I didn't tell anyone and I hid it well. He talks a good game but I think he talks so much because he is trying convince himself. I see him as he is and I accept him, but now I wonder what that says about me and the choice I made to get involved and stay with him.

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Keepitsimple · 51-55, F

Not sure what this has to do with color though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

mljenkins · 51-55, F

@Keepitsimple I agree, I was just attracted to black men...

Keepitsimple · 51-55, F

Ok...I thought I was missing out on some big secret or discovery is all but I guess not 😉@mljenkins

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greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

It says you need to go back to school and do whatever it takes to become a psychotherapist or psychiatric social worker. Because this is not the role of a lover, mate or life partner.

In my 74 years, I have never seen a situation like this work out well in the long run for people of any race or background and, for people like you who have a lot of love and loyalty to give, it is, in every sense, a [i]long[/i] run.

Please do not use up a good chunk of your life working to change someone, to turn him from a very flawed human being into a fixer upper project.

You think in psychological terms, so become a professional and help people who come to you for just that purpose, and then you'll get paid and be respected for it.

My niece is like this. This is a state of mind that seems to affect the good hearted. She is on her second divorce now and has wasted 23 years of her adult life doing this sort of thing...so far. She has just taken on a well intentioned lover who is an alcoholic and who suffers from low self-esteem plus schizoaffective disorder. She is thrilled at the chance to help him. They are currently living where her last husband put her, and left her and her child, on the street in a trailer. She is proud of her sincere devotion and desire to dedicate herself to helping her new man. Her 12 year old daughter has a lot of problems (for several reasons including autism) but my niece is dedicated to helping her as well.

Today she is going to court to handle a suspension of her driver's license because she failed to get insurance due to being chronically out of work and living hand to mouth on the streets. She has been too busy helping her lover and her daughter to get a job, or to get the formal education to qualify for a decent job. By the way, she is well mannered, the sweetest, kindest person in the world with a gentle, witty sense of humor, no bad habits, a decent self-education, and an IQ in the range of genius. But she is dedicated to helping others to straighten out their problems and believes she is a good and wise person to place it above everything else in her life including her own well being. She is 43 years old.

Please, rethink this. You have a gift. You care. You really want to help. Do something constructive with your interest in helping people improve themselves and their lives. Don't take on a lover as a long term fixer up project. He is in courtship mode now and may even believe himself as he promises to change major parts of his behavior patterns and overturn his emotional deficiencies. It won't last.

Please be good to yourself, and to all those other people out there in your potential future, people you may actually be able to help. They need you more than he does or ever will. And you deserve to be good to yourself as well.

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greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

@xixgun Thank you, thank you!

greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

@mljenkins I am glad to know that.

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xixgun · M

[quote]and says he is willing to change himself[/quote]

If he wanted to change, he'd do it whether you were there or not. The fact that he hasn't, usually means he won't.

mljenkins · 51-55, F

@xixgun He has begun the process though, it isn't like he is doing nothing at this point but thank you for response, I will keep your comment in mind as I watch the progression of this relationship.

xixgun · M

@mljenkins I wish you luck, but make sure that if it doesn't work out, you're in a position that stepping away isn't impossible.

greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

@xixgun One more good reason to go back to school and develop a career, perhaps one of the helping professions. A career job gives you a way to step away if you find you need to do so.

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

If he wants to change you will see it...just dont get sucked into his world.

mljenkins · 51-55, F

@PTCdresser57 That's the problem, I do get sucked back into the insanity quite frequently even though I try to remind myself over and over again to quit looking for a reason. That is why, at this point I am reflecting o my choices and how this reflects on me. Who I am in this relationship? Do I want to be this person? Who do I want to be? I re-evaluate myself all the time and continually make changes to better myself, however I see myself falling back into patterns of old behavior even though I try to fight it. I refuse to allow myself to become the miserable fuck I was before, on the inside anyway. I do not want to be that person outwardly either. I have come so far, I want to continue to be a better person for myself and the 3 grandchildren I have chosen to raise. Thank you for our response, I needed to get a lot of this out and have neglected this avenue of expression for far to long.

PTCdresser57 · 61-69, M

Keep your focus on yourself and the grand babies mljenkins. As long as you have a vision of where you want to go in life I think you will be fine.

greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

@mljenkins All this and you're raising 3 children...? Please give yourself a break and resign from the role of amateur shrink.

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