I Have Complex Ptsd
December 31, 2019 Tuesday
Holidays are always difficult for me, because I spend time around the ex for the sake of my kids. I informed the kids that I wasn’t buying anything for Christmas dinner.. period. I had bought everything for Thanksgiving and buying Christmas presents for the kids was quite the strain on me. I’m also not getting a paycheck for the next two months. Anyway, the ex prepared a turkey and a few things for Christmas dinner, this was unexpected. He already had the turkey from several months.. maybe a year ago and the other stuff was probably leftover ingredients. I don’t have faith that he bought anything. I bought a PS4 for my oldest daughter and an Xbox One for the rest of the kids as well as a total of about: 10 games, 3 extra controllers, and one small $20-$30 gift for each of them. The kids father gave each of them $30 for Christmas. I made plans to be able to afford what I was getting 2 months ago. You don’t wait until Christmas and then cry broke without even having bought anything.
I took the younger kids back over to their dad’s the next day. They played on the PS4. The ex was present in the evening and apparently his van broke down, so he demanded to borrow my car. He asked, but he made it seem as though I didn’t have a choice and didn’t want to tell me why he wanted to use my car, it was ridiculous. So we basically had an argument due to lack of information and him thinking he is entitled to use my car. I have a right to know what my vehicle is needed for. He took my car somewhere for about 20 minutes and that’s the last time I will be letting my car out of my possession. When he returned he had repeated problems with the internet and wanted me present while he called the internet provider because of his inability to identify equipment, ports, etc and his difficulty understanding how to follow instructions. Even before I knew anything about computers I didn’t have the advanced form of ignorance that he has. He made it seem as though I had no choice but to be present for that call. Having me present won’t stop the internet provider from finding out that he is a technological moron. There’s nothing wrong with being a moron except when a person is trying to hide their moronic inability to understand an entire subject matter. Now I don’t try to hide my lack of understanding, I find no shame in being a moron about cars and other topics, because no one can have adequate knowledge about everything. People need to specialize in their interests and find experts to handle the rest. You have to be able to admit that you haven’t the slightest idea what certain experts are talking about no matter how it is explained and that you aren’t interested in applying yourself in order to gain that understanding. The provider wanted to bypass the router and plug the modem into the tv. The only thing wrong with that solution is that the tv didn’t have a network port. She said that Smart tvs have the port. No, Smart TVs are wireless. I don’t know EVERYTHING, so I wouldn’t impress that statement upon the provider. Regardless, I can’t conjure up a network port. The tv didn’t have one, this is fact. I checked (3 times) and I know what an RJ-45 port is. The provider didn’t ask, but I will tell you, he didn’t seem to have anything to hook directly up to the modem. He has a laptop, but I already didn’t want to be there and recommending troubleshooting methods isn’t my job, that’s the provider’s job. It’s difficult for providers to troubleshoot internet when a personal router is in use. That router is mine and I left it for him and bought a new one when I moved because I know that he is a technological moron, let’s just consider it an act of kindness for someone that didn’t deserve such consideration. It may be time for a new router and I’m not buying him one, the best solution for someone with zero understanding is to rent a router from the provider, because that will make them responsible for the full functionality. I told him to ask them for one. They said they can mail one or he can pick one up. He opted to pick one up, but his car was broken. He wanted to drive away in my car again, but not this time. I got in the car to drive him there myself. He claims he can’t see at night and I was concerned about the time nearly surpassing his drinking hour. The provider location was closed and he was desperate for internet, so he started his manipulation tactics. He insists that people do things that he wants in a pleasant tone, but in a manner that seems like he is a drug addict suffering from a lack of drugs. He was using internet to stream television programs and he does NOT live without tv. It’s something I’ve always hated, because sometimes every sound bothers me and I need COMPLETE silence. Sometimes I even unplug the refrigerator until I am able to tune out most sounds again. He’d asked if I have a spare router. I do, but it was late, also home and back to his place is a trip I wasn’t prepared to make. I had already traveled home and back that day because he wanted the cabbage out of my refrigerator and some foil. He went on to manipulate our oldest daughter to make that trip with me. If she came along I’d HAVE to return to drop her back off. I’d considered pretending to agree and then not returning. I have been said to have PTSD and am not sure of my ability to refuse the pleasant manipulation, because the pleasant and needy method had always changed suddenly to rage and a verbal assault that lasts for hours. I had called the police on occasion because I was trying to sleep and had to be up early in the morning. Our oldest daughter also knows this pattern and she couldn’t refuse either. He said he got the router working by cleaning it some. (He hadn’t been taking care of it and he doesn’t dust anything.) I was glad that it appeared to start working. That should hold him for the night, but I still expected him to pick up a router from the provider. He still needed to use my car again that night to go to the store “real quick”, but I wasn’t allowing the use of my car. I was trying to immediately leave before he asked anything else. He insisted and I drove him to the gas station where he bought beer. If I knew that he was out of beer I’d have considered letting him go by himself. The result of having direct contact with him for even just 5 minutes doesn’t end when the contact does, it lasts for days and is sometimes followed by nightmares. The “it” is anxiety, not feeling safe, avoidance, and sometimes panic. I have to find my feeling of calm again.
I wanted to return the next day because my daughter would be off work, but I didn’t because of all I’d been through with him the previous day. Let him figure out where to have his van towed, pick up a router somehow, buy more beer (you know 2 cans is just for the night).
I visited again on Monday, 4 days later. We all watched my oldest daughter play Kingdom Hearts 3. I needed to be gone before the ex arrived home, which is usually a little after 9pm. I took a short nap and realized that I should get home. My youngest daughter suggested that we stay the night, but people aren’t left alone by him, not ever since he started drinking 2 beers a night, occasionally along with some hard liquor. I have to wonder if I’d have been harassed or even held hostage if I were to stay. I left late and he was there. He’d come in earlier stating that he wanted the Christmas food gone before he’d back to work. He was there and I rushed out saying that I had to leave. My oldest daughter asked why. I don’t understand why SHE doesn’t understand. I would never have any contact with him if it weren’t for the kids wanting to have holidays together and for my oldest daughter staying there when she’s home from college. I heard him calling for me as I rushed out, but I didn’t respond or return. I don’t talk to him after 9pm, because it has never gone well. I don’t know why it’s taken years to figure that out. He’d blamed me for his drinking, but what’s the excuse now that we’re separated? I’d really like to hear who is now at fault for him continuing to drink every night. When I arrived home I got a message from our oldest daughter asking me to come back there with my router. I said that I was minutes from getting into bed and wasn’t returning, it was past the time when I normally fall asleep. I won’t sleep while driving no matter how tired I am, but I’m not comfortable driving at night. (I play driving games in my head every single time I drive. A maneuver can only be envisioned or it has a name I made up instead of listing all the steps. Just about everything I do has a compartment.) By leaving and not talking to him, I escaped manipulation and the aftereffects of having contact with him. The fear of contact with him remains constantly present.
I am so extremely compartmentalized that I am barely able to function. I possibly have dissociative identity disorder, but I’m waiting for someone to prove it instead of just diagnosing me with it. My therapist tiptoes around every topic because I “dissociate heavily” and am a “special case”. Also I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). Some days I HAVE to unplug the refrigerator because it is humming while doing its thing and I hear every little thing, the smell of candy and cookies can be so intense that they can disgust me, and I can feel the mentioned area itch and tingle with the mere suggestion that I pinch between my index finger and thumb to desensitize.
Holidays are always difficult for me, because I spend time around the ex for the sake of my kids. I informed the kids that I wasn’t buying anything for Christmas dinner.. period. I had bought everything for Thanksgiving and buying Christmas presents for the kids was quite the strain on me. I’m also not getting a paycheck for the next two months. Anyway, the ex prepared a turkey and a few things for Christmas dinner, this was unexpected. He already had the turkey from several months.. maybe a year ago and the other stuff was probably leftover ingredients. I don’t have faith that he bought anything. I bought a PS4 for my oldest daughter and an Xbox One for the rest of the kids as well as a total of about: 10 games, 3 extra controllers, and one small $20-$30 gift for each of them. The kids father gave each of them $30 for Christmas. I made plans to be able to afford what I was getting 2 months ago. You don’t wait until Christmas and then cry broke without even having bought anything.
I took the younger kids back over to their dad’s the next day. They played on the PS4. The ex was present in the evening and apparently his van broke down, so he demanded to borrow my car. He asked, but he made it seem as though I didn’t have a choice and didn’t want to tell me why he wanted to use my car, it was ridiculous. So we basically had an argument due to lack of information and him thinking he is entitled to use my car. I have a right to know what my vehicle is needed for. He took my car somewhere for about 20 minutes and that’s the last time I will be letting my car out of my possession. When he returned he had repeated problems with the internet and wanted me present while he called the internet provider because of his inability to identify equipment, ports, etc and his difficulty understanding how to follow instructions. Even before I knew anything about computers I didn’t have the advanced form of ignorance that he has. He made it seem as though I had no choice but to be present for that call. Having me present won’t stop the internet provider from finding out that he is a technological moron. There’s nothing wrong with being a moron except when a person is trying to hide their moronic inability to understand an entire subject matter. Now I don’t try to hide my lack of understanding, I find no shame in being a moron about cars and other topics, because no one can have adequate knowledge about everything. People need to specialize in their interests and find experts to handle the rest. You have to be able to admit that you haven’t the slightest idea what certain experts are talking about no matter how it is explained and that you aren’t interested in applying yourself in order to gain that understanding. The provider wanted to bypass the router and plug the modem into the tv. The only thing wrong with that solution is that the tv didn’t have a network port. She said that Smart tvs have the port. No, Smart TVs are wireless. I don’t know EVERYTHING, so I wouldn’t impress that statement upon the provider. Regardless, I can’t conjure up a network port. The tv didn’t have one, this is fact. I checked (3 times) and I know what an RJ-45 port is. The provider didn’t ask, but I will tell you, he didn’t seem to have anything to hook directly up to the modem. He has a laptop, but I already didn’t want to be there and recommending troubleshooting methods isn’t my job, that’s the provider’s job. It’s difficult for providers to troubleshoot internet when a personal router is in use. That router is mine and I left it for him and bought a new one when I moved because I know that he is a technological moron, let’s just consider it an act of kindness for someone that didn’t deserve such consideration. It may be time for a new router and I’m not buying him one, the best solution for someone with zero understanding is to rent a router from the provider, because that will make them responsible for the full functionality. I told him to ask them for one. They said they can mail one or he can pick one up. He opted to pick one up, but his car was broken. He wanted to drive away in my car again, but not this time. I got in the car to drive him there myself. He claims he can’t see at night and I was concerned about the time nearly surpassing his drinking hour. The provider location was closed and he was desperate for internet, so he started his manipulation tactics. He insists that people do things that he wants in a pleasant tone, but in a manner that seems like he is a drug addict suffering from a lack of drugs. He was using internet to stream television programs and he does NOT live without tv. It’s something I’ve always hated, because sometimes every sound bothers me and I need COMPLETE silence. Sometimes I even unplug the refrigerator until I am able to tune out most sounds again. He’d asked if I have a spare router. I do, but it was late, also home and back to his place is a trip I wasn’t prepared to make. I had already traveled home and back that day because he wanted the cabbage out of my refrigerator and some foil. He went on to manipulate our oldest daughter to make that trip with me. If she came along I’d HAVE to return to drop her back off. I’d considered pretending to agree and then not returning. I have been said to have PTSD and am not sure of my ability to refuse the pleasant manipulation, because the pleasant and needy method had always changed suddenly to rage and a verbal assault that lasts for hours. I had called the police on occasion because I was trying to sleep and had to be up early in the morning. Our oldest daughter also knows this pattern and she couldn’t refuse either. He said he got the router working by cleaning it some. (He hadn’t been taking care of it and he doesn’t dust anything.) I was glad that it appeared to start working. That should hold him for the night, but I still expected him to pick up a router from the provider. He still needed to use my car again that night to go to the store “real quick”, but I wasn’t allowing the use of my car. I was trying to immediately leave before he asked anything else. He insisted and I drove him to the gas station where he bought beer. If I knew that he was out of beer I’d have considered letting him go by himself. The result of having direct contact with him for even just 5 minutes doesn’t end when the contact does, it lasts for days and is sometimes followed by nightmares. The “it” is anxiety, not feeling safe, avoidance, and sometimes panic. I have to find my feeling of calm again.
I wanted to return the next day because my daughter would be off work, but I didn’t because of all I’d been through with him the previous day. Let him figure out where to have his van towed, pick up a router somehow, buy more beer (you know 2 cans is just for the night).
I visited again on Monday, 4 days later. We all watched my oldest daughter play Kingdom Hearts 3. I needed to be gone before the ex arrived home, which is usually a little after 9pm. I took a short nap and realized that I should get home. My youngest daughter suggested that we stay the night, but people aren’t left alone by him, not ever since he started drinking 2 beers a night, occasionally along with some hard liquor. I have to wonder if I’d have been harassed or even held hostage if I were to stay. I left late and he was there. He’d come in earlier stating that he wanted the Christmas food gone before he’d back to work. He was there and I rushed out saying that I had to leave. My oldest daughter asked why. I don’t understand why SHE doesn’t understand. I would never have any contact with him if it weren’t for the kids wanting to have holidays together and for my oldest daughter staying there when she’s home from college. I heard him calling for me as I rushed out, but I didn’t respond or return. I don’t talk to him after 9pm, because it has never gone well. I don’t know why it’s taken years to figure that out. He’d blamed me for his drinking, but what’s the excuse now that we’re separated? I’d really like to hear who is now at fault for him continuing to drink every night. When I arrived home I got a message from our oldest daughter asking me to come back there with my router. I said that I was minutes from getting into bed and wasn’t returning, it was past the time when I normally fall asleep. I won’t sleep while driving no matter how tired I am, but I’m not comfortable driving at night. (I play driving games in my head every single time I drive. A maneuver can only be envisioned or it has a name I made up instead of listing all the steps. Just about everything I do has a compartment.) By leaving and not talking to him, I escaped manipulation and the aftereffects of having contact with him. The fear of contact with him remains constantly present.
I am so extremely compartmentalized that I am barely able to function. I possibly have dissociative identity disorder, but I’m waiting for someone to prove it instead of just diagnosing me with it. My therapist tiptoes around every topic because I “dissociate heavily” and am a “special case”. Also I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). Some days I HAVE to unplug the refrigerator because it is humming while doing its thing and I hear every little thing, the smell of candy and cookies can be so intense that they can disgust me, and I can feel the mentioned area itch and tingle with the mere suggestion that I pinch between my index finger and thumb to desensitize.
