I've Come Far, But Have So Many More Miles To Go
So here I am, nearly six months down the line. Sometimes I think about the events that led up to me being here - but it no longer hurts to do so. I just feel empty, tranquilized... numb. Though that feeling - or lack thereof - is not new to me.
I am in a better place, I have no doubts about that. Leaving was the best decision I could have possibly made. Staying there (with you), damn near destroyed me. Here, at least I know my past cannot reach me... you cannot reach me. As long as I never make the mistake of going back.
You gave me the happiest years of my life - up and to the point where you gave me the worst years of my life. But it all led me here. So it's a good thing, I suppose. In a certain sense, I still feel homeless. The last 'home' I had was the one I shared with you. It has all been temporary residences since then. Even where I live now, on my own, doesn't feel like a home... just a place to rest my body before I head out. Maybe one day I will find a home again. Maybe one day I'll find happiness.
For now I am content with simply feeling nothing at at all. It's kind of what I imagine limbo would feel like... neither heaven nor hell... just an emotionally vacant space where I can live day to day. Make no mistake, I have no intention of living out my days here - just long enough to fix myself.
I have come so far. I am already way more stable than I ever was back there. It is a start, though I have no idea what or where the finish-line will be. Somewhere that is neither here nor there. Though I am willing to give it a shot and find out. As long as my path never leads back to you. That would surely be the death of me. I have so many more miles left to go. So many more countries left to see, before I figure out where I belong... if anywhere at all.
I am in a better place, I have no doubts about that. Leaving was the best decision I could have possibly made. Staying there (with you), damn near destroyed me. Here, at least I know my past cannot reach me... you cannot reach me. As long as I never make the mistake of going back.
You gave me the happiest years of my life - up and to the point where you gave me the worst years of my life. But it all led me here. So it's a good thing, I suppose. In a certain sense, I still feel homeless. The last 'home' I had was the one I shared with you. It has all been temporary residences since then. Even where I live now, on my own, doesn't feel like a home... just a place to rest my body before I head out. Maybe one day I will find a home again. Maybe one day I'll find happiness.
For now I am content with simply feeling nothing at at all. It's kind of what I imagine limbo would feel like... neither heaven nor hell... just an emotionally vacant space where I can live day to day. Make no mistake, I have no intention of living out my days here - just long enough to fix myself.
I have come so far. I am already way more stable than I ever was back there. It is a start, though I have no idea what or where the finish-line will be. Somewhere that is neither here nor there. Though I am willing to give it a shot and find out. As long as my path never leads back to you. That would surely be the death of me. I have so many more miles left to go. So many more countries left to see, before I figure out where I belong... if anywhere at all.
