I just wish someone would tell me I worked hard and did well.
Nobody ever told me growing up that I worked very hard and did well. Why? Whatever I do isn't good enough. There is so much competition where there will always be someone better than you in every way. Constantly being reminded of the competition and how you just can't measure up gets hard after awhile. Nobody ever tells me what I do well just what I am bad at. It sounds stupid to say but all my life I have felt like Simba trying to get a dead Mufasa to notice him. Wake up! Wake up! with tears in my eyes because I just feel like it's all in vain. Nobody is listening because you are not worth listening to. Nobody cares because you are not worth caring about.
Growing up I was always dumped on for my looks. My nose was too wide, my eyes looked too tired and baggy. I looked old and chubby. When everything about you is picked on you try your best to change. To jump through more and more hoops to hear something positive. You worked hard and did so well. I still have not heard that after losing some weight and obtaining plastic surgery to make myself better. I thought it would make me happier but it really hasn't. I'm still pathetic, sad and stupid Koudai underneath it all. I want my insides to match my outsides. I went through a lot to get the surgeries. Am I crazy for wanting more? I want to be complete.
A good part of why I have always wanted to be an idol so badly is because I want to feel wanted, seen and appreciated. I want people to praise me and see me as something worth looking up to. I want to be told so badly that I did well and worked hard. I know I don't have a lot of talent. My singing is flat and my range is limited, my dancing is lackluster and I have issues learning and remembering the choreography. I cannot rap to save my life so the only thing I can lean on would be my looks. Believe it or not in Kpop groups there is a position called "visual" this person usually is there for looks. They do sing and dance but their strong point is their looks. My dad tells me all the time to give it a rest and that it will never happen. I would love to move to south korea and give it a real shot. I want to train and debut but never could get the money together to move over there. I also do not know Korean but am slowly teaching myself. My age is also working against me. At 30 years old I may be too late. Most idols by my age are established already or retire not long after. There are older idols but most are far younger than I am.
I just wish I could be something to somebody. I just wish I could mean something to someone. I just wanted to be told I worked hard and did a good job. I wish someone was proud of me.
Growing up I was always dumped on for my looks. My nose was too wide, my eyes looked too tired and baggy. I looked old and chubby. When everything about you is picked on you try your best to change. To jump through more and more hoops to hear something positive. You worked hard and did so well. I still have not heard that after losing some weight and obtaining plastic surgery to make myself better. I thought it would make me happier but it really hasn't. I'm still pathetic, sad and stupid Koudai underneath it all. I want my insides to match my outsides. I went through a lot to get the surgeries. Am I crazy for wanting more? I want to be complete.
A good part of why I have always wanted to be an idol so badly is because I want to feel wanted, seen and appreciated. I want people to praise me and see me as something worth looking up to. I want to be told so badly that I did well and worked hard. I know I don't have a lot of talent. My singing is flat and my range is limited, my dancing is lackluster and I have issues learning and remembering the choreography. I cannot rap to save my life so the only thing I can lean on would be my looks. Believe it or not in Kpop groups there is a position called "visual" this person usually is there for looks. They do sing and dance but their strong point is their looks. My dad tells me all the time to give it a rest and that it will never happen. I would love to move to south korea and give it a real shot. I want to train and debut but never could get the money together to move over there. I also do not know Korean but am slowly teaching myself. My age is also working against me. At 30 years old I may be too late. Most idols by my age are established already or retire not long after. There are older idols but most are far younger than I am.
I just wish I could be something to somebody. I just wish I could mean something to someone. I just wanted to be told I worked hard and did a good job. I wish someone was proud of me.
31-35, M
