I Am Bisexual
I'm slightly irritated at life right now. I can't stop thinking about my crush, like it's so hard to let go of her. I've never had this problem with my other crushes before? like they just fade away after a while and become like good friends, and I don't look at pictures that they post of themselves on Instagram and stare at it over and over again like I do with my current crush. Maybe it's because my current crush has been sort of... more attainable? Like with my other crushes, I was painfully aware that it was completely one sided, and I just saw my slight attraction as a sort of fun thing to have around, but with my current crush, not that I can tell if she's interested in girls, but like she sends me a lot of mixed signals, and I'm afraid I've fallen into a trap. The thing is she's a really touchy person, like she likes to link arms with you or fix your hair or hug you or wtv, and I let her because obviously I don't mind. But I feel like because of that I've started to like her more and more, way more than I ever liked my other crushes, and I've been crushing on her the longest already, it's become a real, proper crush, the kind that isn't fun, the kind that is painful and time consuming and just very, very annoying.
I keep wanting to spend time with my crush but it pains me so much. She loves going out one on one, I'm aware of that, which is slightly confusing for me, but you know, let's just add that to the whole list of other things that she confuses me about.
Oh, one more thing, with most people, when I talk to them, it's like, within the first few times we hang, talking for long hours, we just end up talking a lot, and I can get them to share so much about themselves. And that's with everybody, not just crushes. But with this girl, I can't. All we ever talk about is the present, about ongoing things and stuff, and we just never go into deep conversations about life, it's slightly irritating cuz isn't that how people bond, like why is she the only person I find it so hard to get through to. The thing is, I get the feeling that it's her and not me, because with other crushes, at the initial stages, I always got them to open up, which is how those crushes end up being good friends of mine. But with her that's not the case and sometimes it just ends up being awkward.
Which makes me think that we're not compatible, as much as it hurts me to say it. And I keep thinking, this is the part where my heart lets her go and finds someone else to crush on to get over her, but I can't seem to get over her and it's so frustrating and painful. I don't really want to go on like that, I feel like to a certain extent, the both of us like seeing each other and being around each other, and we're trying to make something work out, but honestly like I do most of the talking a lot of the time, and then she'll come in and tell some funny story about her day, and we'll laugh and struggle to find something to talk about. So even if she does like me, idk, we very obviously can't date if the only thing that exists between us is physical attraction. So Idk. Been trying to forget about her. I even dug up old photos of my old proper crush who hurt me really badly cuz she played with my feelings a bit. Just to remind myself of what it feels like to be hurt. And maybe try to reignite some of those old feelings to forget about my current crush. After all, my current crush and I are friends so it matters more than my ex crush. But then I look at my new girl and I'm like, nope, crush is still there.
arghhhhh I can't take this anymore
I keep wanting to spend time with my crush but it pains me so much. She loves going out one on one, I'm aware of that, which is slightly confusing for me, but you know, let's just add that to the whole list of other things that she confuses me about.
Oh, one more thing, with most people, when I talk to them, it's like, within the first few times we hang, talking for long hours, we just end up talking a lot, and I can get them to share so much about themselves. And that's with everybody, not just crushes. But with this girl, I can't. All we ever talk about is the present, about ongoing things and stuff, and we just never go into deep conversations about life, it's slightly irritating cuz isn't that how people bond, like why is she the only person I find it so hard to get through to. The thing is, I get the feeling that it's her and not me, because with other crushes, at the initial stages, I always got them to open up, which is how those crushes end up being good friends of mine. But with her that's not the case and sometimes it just ends up being awkward.
Which makes me think that we're not compatible, as much as it hurts me to say it. And I keep thinking, this is the part where my heart lets her go and finds someone else to crush on to get over her, but I can't seem to get over her and it's so frustrating and painful. I don't really want to go on like that, I feel like to a certain extent, the both of us like seeing each other and being around each other, and we're trying to make something work out, but honestly like I do most of the talking a lot of the time, and then she'll come in and tell some funny story about her day, and we'll laugh and struggle to find something to talk about. So even if she does like me, idk, we very obviously can't date if the only thing that exists between us is physical attraction. So Idk. Been trying to forget about her. I even dug up old photos of my old proper crush who hurt me really badly cuz she played with my feelings a bit. Just to remind myself of what it feels like to be hurt. And maybe try to reignite some of those old feelings to forget about my current crush. After all, my current crush and I are friends so it matters more than my ex crush. But then I look at my new girl and I'm like, nope, crush is still there.
arghhhhh I can't take this anymore
