Actually from taking a conflict resolution course as well as other courses that deal with creating respectful relationship atmospheres, I agree but also disagree with you.
These abusers, the ones that have a conscience (not those of a sociopathic nature) simply lack tools of understanding how they are triggered and furthermore why.
They have to want to look deep within themselves and many of them won't do that because anger is a shield to cover insecurity. Many can face the world but cannot face their true selves. If they were willing to do so they could change.
Communication courses would be a great start for these men you speak of. But they have to want to commit to participating and most are really too scared.
Once, many years ago, I saw a woman, probably several years older than I was, sitting at the bus stop, crying nonstop, and I noticed that her face was covered with bruises. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't know where any battered women's shelters were, so I wouldn't have known how to help her get to a place where she would be safe. Because I couldn't think of anything else more helpful to say at the time, I just stupidly said, "Are you okay?" She just nodded her head yes, and kept crying.
I feel really bad that I wasn't able to help her. I hope she's finally okay now.
abusers are always abusers imo, once they cross that line, they're beyond any redemption from me. They don't get to make up some bs story and go back to the way things were before. There's no excuse for it whatsoever. And you can never really trust them anymore, especially with friends/family.
@Madeleine I just got so mad I saw nothing but red. Could've stopped once he was down, but ended up finishing him off with a hard punch to the kidney (enough to put him in hospital and me in handcuffs). Was worth it, when I was getting out the next day, he was probably pissing blood...
I lived in such a marriage. In the early days of my marriage I was so in love, that to this day I still have trouble separating those feelings from the abuse, the rage, the pain, that followed. It is beyond the capability of most minds to truly understand the deception employed by a Jekyll and Hyde personality.
@4meAndyou Agreed, I mean, I was a grown man following a divorce and I still fell for it. She was even my fiancee at one point. The more the Jekyll and Hyde, the more you feel like a shit for leaving someone who is "improving" themselves. But the absolute control issues make it impossible and fighting inevitable. There was no concept of the futility of CONSTANT conflict. Sigh. I should have seen it and acted on it.
@uncalled4 We can't be responsible for falling into a Jekyll and Hyde spider web. They seem so normal, and none of their family and friends are ever allowed to see the dark side, so they don't ever believe you if you complain.
Only women with very low or no self esteem allow men to abuse them. Abusive males zero in on women with no or low self esteem because those men are weak troglodytes who have to control women.
@Fernie This is very true. I wonder though why most women would hide this aspect of their life. I know a woman who used to be physically abused by her husband for a year and a half. When her family would visit her, she would cover her face with makeup to hide the bruises. When her family found out, they wanted to her get divorced. She refused claiming that she loves him. They are still together, and she still complains about him every time I see her.
@Madeleine clearly she thinks she deserves to be treated this way....she already feels like she has no worth or she would not allow herself to be abused.....
I was on the flip side of this. Toxic, abusive behavior knows no gender, sad to say. I have no self esteem issues. My point is that anyone is potentially vulnerable.
@uncalled4 I have been "abused" by a male 2 times in my life. I split the first one's head open with a frozen turkey...I was 10....and then in my twenties a guy slapped me across the face and if people hadn't been there to pull me off of him I would be in a woman's prison for murder. I really don't have a lot of sympathy for "abused" men.....their reasons for staying are quite different than the reasons women stay.
@Psycho [c=#4C0073]I don’t agree with the assumption that humans thrive on violence. Certain individuals maybe but no where near all. Also you are ignoring the instances where violence is necessary and therefore acceptable like to protect yourself or defend another. I don’t watch horror movies or competitive fighting for that exact reason. But I love superhero movies.[/c]
