I Think I Have Avpd
No Longer Enjoy Being Around People... I never knew AvPD existed until I happened to discover it by chance on the internet. In the past few years I have started to dislike being around people, to the point where I felt more at ease by myself than in a crowd of people. By the sound of it, I might well have AvPD.
As hard as it is to believe, I haven't always been like this. Well over a decade ago, I made a serious effort to make a social life for myself after a significant spell of loneliness. And initially, my efforts appeared to have paid off...I became a completely different person. I had a social life and believe it or not I was very outgoing. Then gradually it all began to fall apart. I was betrayed by those whom I considered as friends...my attempts at finding a loving relationship all ended in disaster, and the painful truth is that I haven't made it past first ba<x>se. It is highly unlikely that I ever will. This was also a period when I went through some very nasty experiences. Finally, a few years ago the last friend - a good friend, supposedly - I had turned his back on me. I am now back to having no friends and no life. I am no longer able to "connect" with people, and I will never trust anyone again...I can never see me having a deep and meaningful conversation with anyone ever again. People have been the biggest disappointment in my life by a huge margin, and that has knocked me for six.
The real matter is - and I'm sure many of you will agree - is that nobody wants to admit that they have gotten to a stage when they really do not have a life. There can be no denying that there is a stigma attached to people like us. It is truly humiliating. Nobody really empathises with you, or will stop to think why this person is in this situation. The vast majority of people will just look at you as if are some kind of freak or abhorrence of nature...thus eroding what esteem you have left (if you have any left). I don't see why I should explain myself to people either - my life is none of their business. Everyone where I work has a social life...when they all talk about what they did over the weekend with their family, significant other etc. what am I supposed to say? That my evening was just the same as it has been for the past few years i.e. at home, within the same four walls? I don't like talking about myself simply because I lack the many important life experiences that happen naturally to the vast majority of people.
With AvPD, many sufferers have sought help through therapy and/or medication. I completely respect these people if they believe it can improve their lives (and I do not doubt for a moment that in some cases it genuinely benefits some individuals), but I know that seeking such assistance is of no use to me. Why? Well, no amount of medication or unctuous, honeyed words from a therapist will ever give me the only true remedy that would cure me - to start my life over again with the power to alter my life. And in the case of therapy, it would only be a waste of time and money to be told what is wrong with me when I already know what the underlying causes are that have made me this way. So unless the therapist happened to be Dr. Who or Marty McFly - i.e having the wherewithal to help me directly change the past - then I would have to decline the opportunity.
As hard as it is to believe, I haven't always been like this. Well over a decade ago, I made a serious effort to make a social life for myself after a significant spell of loneliness. And initially, my efforts appeared to have paid off...I became a completely different person. I had a social life and believe it or not I was very outgoing. Then gradually it all began to fall apart. I was betrayed by those whom I considered as friends...my attempts at finding a loving relationship all ended in disaster, and the painful truth is that I haven't made it past first ba<x>se. It is highly unlikely that I ever will. This was also a period when I went through some very nasty experiences. Finally, a few years ago the last friend - a good friend, supposedly - I had turned his back on me. I am now back to having no friends and no life. I am no longer able to "connect" with people, and I will never trust anyone again...I can never see me having a deep and meaningful conversation with anyone ever again. People have been the biggest disappointment in my life by a huge margin, and that has knocked me for six.
The real matter is - and I'm sure many of you will agree - is that nobody wants to admit that they have gotten to a stage when they really do not have a life. There can be no denying that there is a stigma attached to people like us. It is truly humiliating. Nobody really empathises with you, or will stop to think why this person is in this situation. The vast majority of people will just look at you as if are some kind of freak or abhorrence of nature...thus eroding what esteem you have left (if you have any left). I don't see why I should explain myself to people either - my life is none of their business. Everyone where I work has a social life...when they all talk about what they did over the weekend with their family, significant other etc. what am I supposed to say? That my evening was just the same as it has been for the past few years i.e. at home, within the same four walls? I don't like talking about myself simply because I lack the many important life experiences that happen naturally to the vast majority of people.
With AvPD, many sufferers have sought help through therapy and/or medication. I completely respect these people if they believe it can improve their lives (and I do not doubt for a moment that in some cases it genuinely benefits some individuals), but I know that seeking such assistance is of no use to me. Why? Well, no amount of medication or unctuous, honeyed words from a therapist will ever give me the only true remedy that would cure me - to start my life over again with the power to alter my life. And in the case of therapy, it would only be a waste of time and money to be told what is wrong with me when I already know what the underlying causes are that have made me this way. So unless the therapist happened to be Dr. Who or Marty McFly - i.e having the wherewithal to help me directly change the past - then I would have to decline the opportunity.
